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LA'DT  FT(eT>S%ICK 


A   COMEDY 

In  Three  Am 


•^<y^^ 


By  IV.  S.  MAUGHAM 


CHICAGO: 

THE  DPAMATIC  PUBLISHING  COMPANY 


0  ^  ^  ^  «L  o 


Printed  in  F.ns^lani 


MAIN 


This  play  was  produced  at  the  Court  Theatre  on 
Saturday,  October  26,  1907,  with  the  following  cast  : 


Lady  Frederick  Berolles 
Sir  Gerald  O'Mara 
JSlR.  Paradine  "Fouldes 
Marchioness  op  Mereston 
Marquess  of  Mereston 
Captain  Montgomerie 
Admiral  Carlisle 
Rose 

Lady  Frederick's  Dressmaker 
Lady  Frederick's  Footman 
Lady  Frederick's  Maid 
Thompson 


Ethel  Irvino 
Edmund  Breon 

C.  M.  LOWNE 

Beryl  Faber 

W.  Graham  Brown 

Arthur  Holmes-Gore 

E.  \y.  Garden 

Beatrice  Terry 

Florence  Wood 

Claude  Vernon 

Ina  Felly 

Reginald  Eyre 


A  Waiter 


Heath  J.  Haviland 


^  f\  r  \  r^  ^^  , 


LADT  PT^DERICK 

CHARACTERS 

Lady  Frkderick  Berolles 

Sir  Gerald  O'Mara 

Mr.  Faradinb  Fouldes 

Marchiokess  op  Mereston 

Marquess  of  Mereston 

Armiral  Carlisle 

Rose 

Lady  Frederick's  Dressmaker 

Lady  Frederick's  Footman 

Lady  Frederick's  Maid 

Thompson 

A  Waiter  at  the  Hotel  Splendide 


Time  :  The  Present  Day 

Acts  I  and  Il^-Drawing-room  at  the  Hotel 

Splendide^  Monte  Carlo. 
Act  IW— Lady  Frederick's  Dressing- Room 


ril 


The  Pcrforminfj  TH'ilds  of  this  pJay  are 
fully  protected,  and  permission  to  perform 
it,  whether  hy  Amateurs  or  Professionals, 
must  be  ohtained  in  advance  from  the 
author's  ^ole  Agent,  R.  Golding  Bright, 
20  Green  Street,  Leicester  Square,  London, 
W.C.,  from,  whom  all  particulars  can 
be  obtained. 


Tlfl 


LADY   FREDERICK 


THE  FIRST  ACT 

Scene  :  Drawing -room  of  the  Hotel  Splendideat  Monte 
Carlo.  A  large,  handsomely  furnished  rooniy 
with  doors  right  and  left,  and  French  windows  at 
the  hack  leading  to  a  terrace.  Through  these  is 
seen  the  starry  southern  night.  On  07ie  side  is 
a  piano,  on  the  other  a  table  with  papers  neatly 
laid  out  on  it.     There  is  a  lighted  stove. 

Lady  Mereston,  in  evening  dress,  rather  magnificently 
attired,  is  reading  the  papers.  She  is  a  handsome 
woman  of  forty.  She  puts  doivn  the  paper  im- 
patiently and  rings  the  bell.  A  servant  ansicers. 
He  has  a  French  accent. 

Lady  Mereston, 
Did  Mr.  Paradine  Fouldes  come  this  cvoniiig? 

Servant, 

Yes,  luiladi. 

1  A 


2  LADY  FREDERICK 

Lady  Mereston. 
Is  he  in  the  hotel  now  ? 

Servant, 

Yes,  miladi. 

Lady  Merkston, 
Will  you  Bend  some  one  up  to  his  room  to  say  I'm 
waiting  to  see  him  ? 

Servant. 
Pardon,  miladi,  but  the  gentleman  say  'e  was  on  no 
nccount  to  be  disturbed. 

Lady  Mereston, 
Nonsense.     Mr.  Fonldes  is  my  brother.     You  must 
20  to  him  imme<liat»']v. 

Servant. 
Mr.  Fouldes  his  valet  is  in   the  'all.     Will  your 
ladyship  speak  with  him  ? 

Lady  iSfERESTON. 
Mr.  Fouldes  is  more  dilHcult  to  see  than  a  cabinet 
minister.     Send  liis  servant  to  mo. 

Servant. 

Very  good,  miladi. 

[Kxit   SWi'dut,  and  jrresentltj  Thompson,   Mr. 
Foulde.s'  man,  comes  in. 


LADY  FREDERICK  3 

Thompson, 
Your  ladyship  wished  to  see  me. 

Lady  Mereston, 
Good  evening,  Thompson.     I  hope  you  had  a  com- 
fortable journey. 

Thompson. 
Yes,  my  lady.     Mr.  Fould^x  always  has  a  comfort- 
able journey. 

Lady  Meeeston. 
Was  the  sea  calm  when  you  crossed  ? 

Thompson. 
Y^'es,  my  lady.     Mr.  Fouldes  would  look  upon  it  as 
a  great  liberty  if  the  sea  was  not  calm. 

Lady  Mereston. 
Will  you  tell  Mr.  Fouldes  that  1  should  like  to  see 
him  at  once  ? 

Thompson. 
\  Looking  at  his  loatclu]  Excuse  m.e,  my  lady,  but  Mr. 
Fouldes  said  no  one  was  to  disturb  him  till  ten  o  clock. 
It's  more  than  my  place  is  worth  to  go  to  him  at  five 
minutes  to. 

Lady  Mereston. 
But  what  on  earth's  he  doing  ? 


4  LADY  FREDERICK 

Thompson, 
I  don't  know  at  all,  my  lady. 

Lady  Mereston. 
How  long  have  you  been  with  Mr.  Fouldes? 

Thompson. 
Twenty-five  years,  my  lady. 

Lady  Mereston. 

I  should  have  thought  you  knew  how  lie  spent 
every  minute  of  his  day. 

[Paradine  comes  in.  He  is  a  very  well  dressed 
man  of  forty-odd.  Self-possessed,  icorhlly, 
urbane.  Ue  is  never  at  a  loss  or  put  out 
of  countenance.  He  overhears  Lady 
Mereston's  last  loords. 

W 

Fouldes. 

When  I  engaged  Thompson  I  told  him  the  first 
thing  he  must  learn  was  the  very  diilicult  feat  of 
keeping  his  eyes  open  and  shut  at  one  and  the  same 
time. 

Lady  Mereston. 

My  dear  Paradine,  I've  been  waiting  to  sec  you  for 
the  last  two  hours.     How  tii-esome  you  are. 

Fouldes. 
You  may  give  me  a  kiss,  Maud,  but  don't  be  rough. 


LADY  FREDERICK  5 

Lady  Mereston. 

[Kissing  his  cheek.]  You  ridiculous  creature.  You 
really  might  have  come  to  see  me  at  once* 

FOULDES. 

My  dear,  you  cannot  grudge  me  a  little  repose 
after  a  long  and  tedious  journey.  I  had  to  repair  the 
ravages  to  my  person  caused  by  twenty-seven  hours 
in  the  train. 

Lady  Mereston. 
Don't  be  so  absurd.     I'm  sure  your  person  is  never 
ravished, 

FoULDES. 

Ravaged,  my  dear,  ravaged.  I  should  look  upon  it 
as  an  affectation  at  my  age  if  I  were  not  a  little  upset 
by  the  journey  from  London  to  Monte  Carlo. 

Lady  Mereston, 
I'll  be  bound  you  ate  a  very  hearty  dinner. 

Fouldes. 
Thompson,  did  I  eat  any  dinner  at  all  ? 

Thompson. 
[Stolidlij,]  Soup,  sir. 

Fouldes. 
I  remember  looking  at  it. 


6  LADY  FREDERICK 

TuoMPbuN. 
Fibli,  .sir. 

FOULDES. 

I  trifled  with  a  fried  sole. 

Thompson. 
Bouchces  a  la  KoiiR',  sir. 

FoULDES. 

They  have  left  absolutely  no  impression  upon  me. 

Thompson. 
Tournedos  a  la  ^Splendide. 

Ft)ULDES. 

They  were  distinctly  tough,  Thompson.     You  mu^t 
lodge  a  complaint  in  the  proper  quarter. 

Thompson. 
Roast  pheasant,  sir. 

FoULDES. 

Yes,  yes,  now  you  mention  it,  I  do  reiDomher  the 
pheasant. 

Thompson. 
Chocolate  ice  sir. 

FoULDES. 

It  was  too  cold,  Thompson,     It  was  distinctly  too 
cold. 


LADY  FREDERICK  7 

Lady  Mereston. 
My  dear  Paiadiiie,  I  think  you  dined  uncommonly 
well. 

FOULDES. 

I  have  reached  an  age  when  love,  ambition  and 
wealth  pale  into  insignificance  beside  a  really  well- 
grilled  steak.     That'll  do,  Thompson. 

Thompson. 

Very  well,  sir. 

\He  goes  out. 

Lady  Mereston. 
It's    too  bad  of  you,  Paradine,  to   devour  a  sub- 
stantial meal  when  I'm  eating  out  my  very  heart  with 
anxiety, 

FoULDES. 

It  seems  to  agree  with  you  very  well.  I've  not 
seen  you  look  better  for  years. 

Lady  Mereston. 
For  heaven's  sake  be  serious  and  listen  to  mo. 

FoULDES. 

I  started  immediately  I  got  your  telegram.  Pray 
tell  me  what  I  can  do  for  you  ? 

Lady  Mereston. 
My  dear  Paradine,  Charlie's  head  over  ears  in  love. 


8  LADY  FREDERICK 

FOULDES. 

It's  not  altof,'ether  an  unexpected  condition  for  a 
young  man  of  twenty-two.  If  the  lady's  respectable, 
marry  him  and  resign  yourself  to  being  a  dowager. 
If  she's  not,  give  her  five  hundred  pounds  and  puck 
her  oflF  to  Paris  or  London  or  wherever  else  she 
habitually  practises  her  arts  and  graces. 

Lady  Meueston. 
I  wish  I  could.     But  who  d'you  think  it  is'i 

FoULDES. 

My  dear,  there's  nothing  I  detest  more  than 
riddles.  I  can  imagine  quite  a  number  of  fair  ladies 
who  would  look  without  disdain  upon  a  young 
marquess  with  fifty  thousand  a  year. 

Lady  Meueston. 
Lady  Frederick  Berolles. 

FoULDES, 

By  Jupiter! 

Lady  Mereston. 
She's  fifteen  years  older  than  he  is. 

FoULDES. 

Then  .she's  not  old  enough  to  be  his  mother,  which 
is  a  distinct  advant;ige. 

Lady  Meueston 
She  dyes  her  hair. 


LADY  FREDERICK  9 

i^'uULDES. 

She  dyes  it  uncommonly  well. 

Lady  Mereston, 
She  paints. 

FOULDES. 

Much  better  than  a  Royal  Academician. 

Lady  Mereston. 
And  poor  Charlie's  simply  infatuated.      He  rides 
with  her  all  the  morning,  motors  with  her  all  the 
afternoon,  and  gambles  with  her  half  the  night.     1 
never  see  him, 

Fouldes. 

But  why  should  you  think  Lady  Frederick  cares 
two  straws  for  him  '< 

Lady  Mereston. 
Don't  be  ridiculous,  Paradine.     Every  one  knows 
she  hasn't  a  penny,  and  she's  crippled  with  debts. 

Fouldes. 
One  has  to  keep  up  appearances  in  this  world.   Life 
nowadays  for  the  woman  of  fashion  is  a  dilemma  of 
which  one  horn  is  the  Bankruptcy  Court  and  the  other 
— dear  Sir  Francis  Jeune, 

Lady  Mereston. 
I  wish  I  knew  how  she  manages  to  dress  so  beauti- 
fully.    It's  one  of  the  injustices  of  fate  that  clothes     | 


10  LADY  FREDERICK 

(only  hang  on  a  woman  really  well  when  she's  lost  every 
ishred  of  reputation. 

FOULIES. 

My  dear,  you  must  console  3  ourself  with  the  thought 
that  she'll  probably  frizzle  for  it  hereafter. 

Lady  Mekeston, 

I  hope  I'm  not  wicked,  Paradine,  but  to  wear 
draperies  and  wings  in  the  next  world  oHbrs  me  no 
compensation  for  looking  dowdy  in  a  Paquin  gown  in 
this. 

I'OULDES. 

I  surmised  she  was  on  the  verge  of  bankruptcy 
when  I  heard  she'd  bought  a  new  motor.  And  you 
seriously  think  Charlie  wants  to  marry  her  ? 

Lady  Mekeston. 
I'm  sure  of  it, 

FOULDES. 

And  what  d'you  want  me  to  do  ? 

Lady  Mekeston. 

Good  heavens,  I  want  you  to  prevent  it.  After  all 
he  has  a  magnificdit  position ;  he's  got  every  cliance 
of  making  a  career  for  himself.  There's  no  reiison 
why  lie  shouldn't  be  Pnme  Minister — it's  not  fair  to 
the  boy  to  let  him  marry  a  woman  like  that. 

Foi'ldes. 
Of  course  you  know  Lady  Frederick ? 


LADY  FREDERICK  XX 

LiDY    Meueston. 
My  dear  Paradine,  we're  the  greatest  friends.    You 
don't  suppose  I'm  going  to  give  her  the  advantage  of 
quarrelling  with    me.     I   think  I    shall  ask   her  to 
luncheon  to  meet  you. 

FOULDES. 

Women  have  such  an  advantage  over  men  in  aflfairs 
of  this  sort.  They're  troubled  by  no  scruples,  and, 
like  George  Washington,  never  hesitate  to  He. 

Lady  Mereston. 
I  look  upon  her  as  an  abandoned  creature,  and  I  tell 
you  frankly  I  shall  stop  at  nothing  to  save  my  son 
from  her  clutches. 

FoULDES. 

Only  a  thoroughly  good  woman  could  so  calmly 
announce  her  intention  of  using  the  crookedest  ways 
to  gain  her  ends. 

Lady  Mereston. 
[Looking  at  him.]  There  must  be  some  incident  in 
her  career  which  she  wouldn't  like  raked  up.     If  we 
could  only  get  hold  of  that,  .  .  . 

I 
Fouldes. 

[Blandly.]  How  d'you  imagine  I  can  help  you  ? 

Lady  Mereston. 
A  reformed  burglar  is  always  the  best  detective. 


I 


la  LADY  FREDERICK 

FouLDEs. 

My  dear,  I  wish  you  could  be  frank  without  being 
sententious. 

Lady  Mereston. 

You've  run  through  two  fortunes,  and  if  we  all  got 
our  deserts  you  would  be  starving  now  instead  of  being 
richer  than  ever. 

FOULDES. 

My  second  cousins  have  a  knack  of  dying  at  the 
psychological  moment. 

Lady  Mereston. 

You've  been  a  horrid,  dissipated  wretch  all  your 
life,  and  he:;ven  knows  the  disreputable  people  who've 
been  your  bosom  friends. 

FoULDES. 

With  my  knowledge  of  the  world  and  your  entire 
lack  of  scruple  we  should  certainly  be  a  match  for  one 
defenceless  woman. 

Lady  Mereston. 
\Lool'infjat  him  sharp}}/.]  Common  report  says  that 
at  one  time  you  were  very  much  in  love  with  her. 

FoULDES. 

Common  report  is  an  ass  whoso  long  ears  only  catch 
its  own  braying. 


LADY  FREDERICK  13 

Lady  Mereston. 
I  was   wondering  how  far  things  went.     If  you 
could  tell  Charlie  of  the  relations  between  you.  .  .  . 

FOULDES. 

My  good  Maud,  there  were  no  relations — unfor- 
tunately. 

Lady  Mereston. 

Poor  George  was  very  uneasy  about  you  at  the 
time. 

FoULDES. 

Your  deceased  husband,  being  a  strictly  religious 
man,  made  a  point  of  believing  the  worst  about  his 
neighbours. 

Lady  Mereston. 

Don't,  Paradine  ;  I  know  you  didn't  like  one  another, 
but  remember  that  I  loved  him  with  all  my  heart.  I 
shall  never  get  over  his  death. 

Fouldes. 
My  dear  girl,  you  know  I  didn't  mean  to  wound  you. 

Lady  Mereston.  ' 

After  all,  it  was  largely  your  fault.  lie  was 
deeply  religious,  and  as  the  president  of  the  Broad 
Church  Union  he  couldn't  countenance  your  mode  of 
life 

Fouldes. 
[With  great  7inctio7i.]  Thnnk  God  in   my  day  I've 
beeu  a  miserable  sinner  1 


14  LADY  FREDERICK 

Lady  Mereston. 

[LaiKjhing.]  You're  quite  incurable,  Paradine.  But 
you  will  help  me  now.  Since  his  father's  death,  the 
boy  and  I  have  lived  a  very  retired  life,  and  now  we're 
quite  helpless.  It  would  break  my  heart  if  Charlie 
married  that  woman. 

FOULDES. 

I'll  do  my  best.  I  think  I  can  promise  you  that 
notliing  will  come  of  it. 

[The  door  is  Jluny  o])en,  and  Lady  Frederick 
enters^  folloived  by  Merestox,  a  youiig 
boyish  man  of  twenty-iwo  ;  hy  her  hrothti\ 
Sir  Gerald  O'Mara,  a  handsome  fellow  of 
six-and-ticenty ;  by  Captain  Montgomekie, 
Admiral  Carlisle,  aTid  Rose,  his  daughter. 
Lady  Frederick  is  a  handsome  Irish 
vwman  of  thirty  to  thirty-five,  '  ^^utifully 
dressed.  She  is  very  vivaciouSy  .  light- 
hearted.  She  has  all  the  Irish  '^'..nclessne'^s 
and  unconcern  for  the  morrov.  '  Whenever 
she  wa)its  to  get  round  anybody  she  f<d(s 
into  an  Irish  brogue,  and  then,  as  she  knoivs 
very  iveli,  she  is  quite  inrsistible.  Captain 
Montgomerie  is  a  polished,  icell-groomed 
man  of  thirty  jive,  ivith  suave  manjiers. 
TuE  Admiral  is  bluff  and  downrigJd. 
llOSE  is  a  pj'etty  ingenue  of  nineteen. 


Lady  Mereston. 
Here  they  are. 


LADY  FREDERICK  15 

Lady  Frederick. 
[Enthusiastically   going   to   him   loith  open   ar^ns,] 
Paradine  !  Paradine !  Paradine  ! 

Mereston. 
Oh,  my  prophetic  soul,  mine  uncle  T 

FOULDES. 

[Shaking  hands  vnth  Lady  Frederick.]  I  heard 
you  were  at  the  Casino. 

Lady  Frederick. 
Charlie  lost  all  his  money,  so  I  brought  him  away. 

Lady  Mereston. 
I  wish  you  wouldn't  gamble,  Charlie  dear. 

Mereston. 
My  dear^mother,  I've  only  lost  ten  thousand  francs. 

''  Lady  Frederick. 

[To  Paradine  Fouldes.]  I  see  you're  in  your  usual 
robust  health. 

Fouldes. 
You  needn't  throw  it  in  my  face.     I  shall  probably 
be  very  unwell  to-morrow. 

Lady  Frederick. 
D'you  know  Admiral  Carlisle  ?    This  is  my  brother 
Gerald. 

Fouldes. 
[Shaking  hands.']  How  d'you  do? 


t6  LADY  FREDERICK 

LaDV     FllEDEUICK. 

[Introchiciyig.]  Captain  Montgomerie. 
Captain  Montgomerie. 
I  think  we've  met  before. 

FOULDES. 

I'm  very  pleased  to  hear  it.  How  d'you  do.  [To 
Me KESTON.]  Are  you  having  a  good  time  in  Monte 
Carlo,  Charles  ? 

Mereston. 

A  1,  thanks. 

FoULDES. 

And  what  do  you  do  with  yourself  ? 

Mereston. 

Oh,  hang  about  generally,  you  know — nnd  there's 
always  the  tables. 

F0ULDE3. 

That's  right,  my  boy;  I'm  glad  to  see  that  you 
prepare  yourself  properly  for  your  duties  as  a 
iiereditary  legislator. 

Mereston. 

[LaughiiKj.]  Oh,  shut  it.  Uncle  Paradine. 

FoULDES. 

I  rejoice  also  to  find  that  you  have  already  a 
certain  command  of  the  vernacular. 

Mereston. 

Well,  if  you  can  brow])eat  a  Tendon  cabby  and 
hold  your  own  in  repartee  with  a  barmaid,  it  oughtn't 
to  be  difficult  to  get  on  all  right  in  the  House  of  Lords. 


LADY  FREDERICK  17 

FOULDES. 

T>ut  lot  rac  give  you  a  solemn  warning.  You  have 
a  magnijBcent  cliance,  dear  boy,  with  all  the 
advantages  of  wealth  and  station.  I  beseech  you  not 
to  throw  it  away  by  any  exhibition  of  talent.  Tho 
field  is  clear  and  the  British  people  are  waiting  for 
a  leader.  But  remember  tliat  the  British  people 
like  their  leaders  dull.  Capacity  they  mistrust, 
versatility  they  cannot  bear,  and  wit  they  utterly 
abhor.  Look  at  the  fate  of  poor  Lord  Parnaby,  His 
urbanity  gained  him  the  premiership,  but  his 
brilliancy  overthrew  him.  How  could  the  fortunes 
of  the  nation  be  safe  with  a  man  whose  speeches  were 
pointed  and  sparkling,  whose  mind  was  so  quick,  so 
agile,  that  it  reminded  you  of  a  fencer's  play  ?  Every 
one  is  agreed  that  Lord  Parnaby  is  flippant  and 
unsubstantial ;  we  doubt  his  principles  and  we  have 
grave  fears  about  his  morality.  Take  warning,  my 
dear  boy,  take  warning.  Let  the  sprightly  epigram 
never  lighten  the  long  periods  of  your  speech  nor  the 
Attic  salt  flavour  the  roast  beef  of  your  conversation. 
Be  careful  that  your  metaphors  show  no  imagination 
and  conceal  your  brains  as  you  would  a  discreditable 
secret.  Above  all,  if  you  have  a  sense  of  humour, 
crush  it.     Crush  it. 

Mereston. 
My  dear  uncle,  you  move  me  very  much.     I  will 
bo  as  stupid  as  an  owl. 

FoULDES. 

There's  a  good,  brave  boy. 


1 8  LADY  FREDERICK 

Mereston. 
I  will  bu  heavy  and  tedious. 

FOULDES. 

I  sec  already  the  riband  of  the  Garter  adorning 
your  shirt-front.  Remember,  there's  no  damned 
merit  about  that. 

Mereston. 

None  shall  listen  to  my  speeches  without  falling 
into  a  profound  sleep. 

FOULDES. 

\^Seizing  his  hand,]  The  premiership  itself  is  within 
your  grasp. 

Lady  Mereston. 

Dear  Paradine,  let  us  take  a  stroll  on  the  terrace 
before  we  go  to  bed. 

FoULDES. 

And  you  shall  softly  whisper  all  the  latest  scandal 
in  my  ear, 

[ZTe  puts  on  hei'  cloak  and  they  yo  out. 

Lady  Frederick. 
May  I  speak  to  you,  Admiral? 

Admiral. 

Certainly,  certainly.     AVhat  can  I  do  for  5'ou  ? 

\]Vhile  Lady  Frederick  and  the  Admiral ^z^^-, 
the  others  go  slowly  out.  Through  the 
conversation  she  nses  hei'  Irish  brogue. 


LADY  FREDERICK  19 

Lady  Frederick, 
Are  you  in  a  good  temper  ? 

Admiral. 
Fairly,  fairly. 

Lady  Frederick. 

I'm  glad  of  that  because  I  want  to  make  you  a 
proposal  of  marriage. 

Admiral. 

My  dear  Lady  Frederick,  you  take  me  entirely  by 
surprise. 

Lady  Frederick. 

[Laicghmg.]  Not  on  my  own  behalf,  you  know. 

Admiral. 
Oh,  I  see. 

Lady  Frederick. 
The  fact    is,  my   brother  Gerald    has   asked  your 
daughter  to  marry  him,  and  she  has  accepted. 

Admiral. 
Rose  is  a  minx.  Lady  Frederick,  and  she's  much 
too  young  to  marry. 

Lady  Frederick. 
Now  don't  fly  into  a  passion.     We're  going  to  talk 
it  over  quite  calmly. 

Admiral. 
I  tell  you  I  won't  hear  of  it.     The  boy's  penniless. 

Lady  Frederick. 
That's  why  it's  so  lucky  you're  rich. 


20  LADY  FREDERICK 

Admiral. 
Eh? 

Lady  Frederick. 

You've  been  talkinf,'  of  buyiiif,'  a  place  in  Irolnnd. 
You  couldn't  want  anything  nicer  tlian  CeraldV — 
gravel  soil,  you  know.  And  you  simi)ly  dote  on 
Elizabethan  architecture 

Admiral. 
I  can't  bear  it. 

Lady  Frederick. 
IIovv  fortunate,  then,  that    the  house  wns  l)urnt 
down   in  the  eighteenth   century  and  rebuilt  in  the 
best  Georgian  style. 

Admiral. 
Ugh. 

Lady  Frederick. 

And  you'd  love  to  have  little  grandsons  to  dandle 
on  your  knee. 

Admiral. 
How  do  1  know  they  wouldn't  be  girls? 

Ladi'  Frederick. 
Oh,  it's  most  unusual  in  our  family. 

Admiral. 
T  toll  you  I  won't  hear  of  it. 

Lady  Fredehick. 

You  know,  it's  not  bad  to  have  the  oldest  baronofry 
in  the  country  but  one. 


LADY  FREDERICK  21 

Admiral. 
I  suppose  I  shall  have  to  pack  Rose  off  to  England. 

Lady  Frederick. 
And  break  her  heart  ? 

Admiral. 

Women's  hearts  are  like  old  china,  none  the  worse   i 
for  a  break  or  two. 

Lady  Frederick. 

Did  you  ever  know  my  husband,  Admiral  ? 

Admiral. 
Yes. 

Lady  Frederick. 

I  was  married  to  him  at  seventeen  because  my 
mother  thought  it  a  good  match,  and  I  was  des- 
perately in  love  with  another  man.  Before  we'd 
been  married  a  fortnight  he  came  home  blind  drunk, 
and  I  had  never  seen  a  drunken  man  before.  Then 
I  found  out  he  was  a  confirmed  tippler.  I  was  so 
ashamed.  If  you  only  knew  what  my  life  was  for  the 
ten  years  I  lived  with  him.  I've  done  a  lot  of  foolish 
things  in  my  time,  but,  my  God,  I  have  suffered. 

Admiral. 

Yes,  I  know,  I  know. 

Lady  Frederick. 

And  believe  me,  when  two  young  things  love  one 
another  it's  better  to  let  them  many.  Love  is  so 
very  rare  in  this  world.  One  really  ought  to  make 
the  most  of  it  when  it's  there. 


22  LADY  FREDERICK 

Admiral. 
I'm  very  sorry,  but  I've  made  up  my  mind. 

Lady  Fiiederick. 
Ab,  but  won't  you  alter  it — like  Nelson.     Don't  be 
bard  on  Kose.     Sbe's  really  in  love  witli  (leraUl.     Do 
give  tbem  a  cbance.     Won't  you  ?    Ab,  do — tbere'a  a 
dear. 

Admiral. 
I  don't  want  to  burt  your  feelings,  but  Sir  Gerald 
i.s  about  tbe  most  ineligible  young  man  that  I've  ever 
come  across. 

Lady  Frederick. 
[Triumphayithj.]     There,  I  knew  we  should  agree. 
That's  precisely  what  I  told  him  tliis  morning. 

Admiral. 
I  understand  his  place  is  heavily  mortgaged. 

Lady  Fhederick. 
No  one  will  lend  a  penny  more  on  it.     If  they 
would  Gerald  would  borrow  it  at  once. 

Admiral. 
He's  got  nothing  but  his  pay  to  live  upon. 

Lady  Frederick. 
And  his  tastes  are  very  extravagant. 

Admiral. 
He's  a  gambler. 


LADY  FREDERICK  23 

Lady  Frederick. 
Yes,  but  then  he's  so  good  looking. 

Admiral. 
Eh? 

Lady  Frederick. 

I'm  glad  thcat  we  agree  so  entirely  about  him.  Now 
there's  nothing  left  but  to  call  the  young  things  in, 
join  their  hands  and  give  them  our  united  blessing. 

Admiral. 

Before  I  consent  to  this  marriage,  madam,  I'll  see 
your  brother 

Lady  Frederickj 
Damned  ? 

Admiral. 

Yes,  madam,  damned. 

Lady  Frederick. 
Now  listen  to  me  quietly,  will  you  ? 

Admiral. 

I  should  warn  you,  Lady  Frederick,  that  when  I 
once  make  up  my  mind  about  a  thing,  I  never 
change  it. 

Lady  Frederick, 

Now  that  is  what  I  really  admire.  I  like  a  man 
of  character.  You  know,  I've  always  been  impressed 
by  your  strength  and  determination. 


24  LADY  FREDERICK 

Admiral. 

I  don't  know  about  that.  But  when  I  say  a  thitjsr, 
J  do  it. 

Lady  Frederick. 

Yes,  I  know.  And  in  five  minutes  you're  going  to 
say  that  Gerald  may  marry  your  pretty  Rose. 

Admiral. 
No,  no,  no. 

Lady  Frederick. 

Now  look  here,  don't  be  obstinate.  I  don't  like 
you  when  you're  obstinate. 

Admiral. 
I'm  not  obstinate.     I'm  firm. 

Lady  Frederick. 

After  all,  Gerald  has  lots  of  good  qualities.  He's 
simply  devoted  to  your  daughter,  lie's  been  a  little 
wild,  but  you  know  you  wouldn't  give  much  for  a 
young  man  who  hadn't. 

Admiral, 

[Griiffli/.]  I  don't  want  a  milksop  for  a  son-in- 
law. 

Lady  Frederick. 

As  soon  as  he's  married,  he'll  settle  into  a  model 
country  squire. 

Admiral. 

Well,  he's  u  gambler,  and  I  can't  get  over  that. 


LADY  FREDERICK  25 

Lady  Frederick. 
Shall  he  promise  you  never  to  play  cards  again  ? 
Now,  don't  be  horrid.     You  don't  want  to  make  me 
utterly  wretched,  do  you  ? 

Admiral. 
[Untoillinghj,]  Well,   I'll   tell  you  what  I'll  do— 
they  shall  marry  if  he  doesn't  gamble  for  a  year. 

Lady  Frederick. 
Oh,  you  duck.     [She  impulsively  throws  her  arms 
round   his  neck  and   kisses   him.      He  is  a  good  deal 
taken  aback,]     I  beg  your  pardon,  I  couldn't  help  it. 

Admiral. 
I  don't  altogether  object,  you  know. 

Lady  Frederick. 
Upon    my   word,   in   some   ways     you're     rather 
fascinating. 

Admiral. 
D'you  think  so,  really  ? 

Lady  Frederick. 
I  do  indeed. 

Admiral. 
I  rather  wish  that  proposal  of  marriage  had  been 
on  your  own  behalf. 


26  LADY  FREDERICK 

Lady  Frederick^ 

All,  with  me,  dear  Admiral,  experience  triumphs 
over  hope.  I  must  tell  the  children.  [Calling.] 
Gerald,  come  here.     Rose, 

[Gerald  and  Rose  come  in. 

Lady  Frederick. 

I  always  knew  your  father  was  a  perfect  darling, 
Rose. 

Rose, 
Oh,  papa,  you  are  a  brick. 

Admiral. 

I  thoroughly  disapprove  of  the  marriage,  my  dear, 

but — it's  not  easy  to  say  no  to  Lady  Frederick. 

Gerald. 

It's  awfully  good  of  you.  Admiral,  and  I'll  do  my 
best  to  make  Rose  a  ripping  husband. 

Admiral. 

Not  so  fast,  young  man,  not  so  fast.  There's  a 
condition. 

Rose, 
Oh,  father  I 

Lady  Frederick. 

Gerald  is  to  behave  himself  for  a  year,  and  then 
you  may  mai  ry. 

UosE, 

But  won't  Gerald  grow  very  dull  if  he  behaves 
himself  ? 


LADY  FREDERICK  27 

Lady  Frederick, 

I  have  no  doubt  of  it.     But  dullness  is  the  first 
requisite  of  a  good  husband. 

Admiral. 

Now  you  must  pack  off  to  bed,  my  dear.     I'm  going 
to  smoke  my  pipe  before  turning  in. 

KosE. 

[Kissing  Lady  Frederick.]    Good-night,   dearest. 
I'll  never  forget  your  kindness. 

Lady  Frederick. 

You'd  better  not  thank  me  till  you've  been  married 
a  few  yearsi 

Rose. 

[HolcUng  out  her  hand  to  Gerald.]  Good-night. 

Gerald. 
\Taking  it  and  looking  at  her.]  Good-night. 

Admiral. 

[Gruffli/.]  You  may  as  well  do  it   in   front   of  my 
face  as  behind  my  back. 

Rose. 

[Lifting  up  her  lips.]  Good-night. 

[lie   kisses  her,  and   the  Admiral  and  Rose 
go  out. 

Lady  Frederick. 
Oh  lord,  I  wish  I  were  eighteen. 

[She  sinks  into  a  chair,  and  an  exj^rssion  oj 
utter  weariness  comes  over  her  face. 


28  LADY  FREDERICK 

Gerald. 
I  say,  what's  up  ? 

Lady  Frederick. 
[Starl'u}(j.^  I  thouglit  youVl  gone.     Nothing, 

Gerald. 
Come,  out  with  it. 

Lady  Frederick. 

Oh,  my  poor  boy,  if  you  only  knew.     I'm  so  worried 
that  I  don't  know  what  on  earth  to  do.  % 

Gerald. 
Money  ? 

Lady  Frederick. 

Last   year  I  made  a  solemn  determination  to  be 
economical.     And  it's  ruined  me. 

Gerald. 
My  dear,  how  could  it? 

Lady  Frederick, 

I  can't  make  it  out.     It  seems  very  unfair.     The 
more  I  tried  not  to  be  extravagant,  the  more  I  spent. 

Gerald. 
Can't  you  borrow  ? 

Lady  Frederick. 
[Lavr/himj.]  I  have  borrowed.     That's  just  it. 

Gerald. 
Well,  borrow  again. 


LADY  FREDERICK  29 

I;ADY  Frederick. 
I've  tried  to.     But  no  one's  such  a  fool  as  to  lend 
me  a  penny. 

Gerald, 

Did  you  say  I'd  sign  anything  they  liked  ? 

Lady  Frederick. 
I  was  so  desperate  I  said  we'd  both  sign  anything. 
It  was  Dick  Cohen. 

Gerald. 

Oh  lord,  what  did  he  say  ? 

Lady  Frederick. 
[Imitating  a  Jeioish  accent.]    What's  the  good  of 
wathting  a  nithe  clean  sheet  of  paper,  my  dear  lady  ? 

Gerald. 
[Shouting    with    laughter.]     By    George,   don't    I 
know  it. 

Lady  Frederick. 

For  heaven's  sake  don't  let's  talk  of  my  affairs. 
They're  in  such  a  state  that  if  I  think  of  them  at  all 
I  shall  have  a  violent  fit  of  hysterics. 

Gerald. 
But  look  here,  what  d'you  really  mean  ? 

Lady  Frederick. 

Well,  if  you  want  it — I  owe  my  dressmaker  seven 
hundred  pounds,  and  last  year  I  signed  two  horrid 
bills,  one  for  fifteen  hundred  and  the  other  for  two 
thousand.     They  fall  due  the  day  after  to-morrow, 


30  LADY  FREDERICK 

.'ind  if  I  can't  raise  the  money  1  shall  have  to  go 

tiiiough  the  Bankruptcy  Court. 

GtrALD. 

By  George,  tluit's  serious. 

Lady  Frederick. 

It's  so  serious  that  I  can't  help  thinking  some- 
thing will  happen.  Whenever  I've  got  in  a  really 
tight  fix,  something  has  turned  up  and  put  me  on  my 
le^'s  again.  Last  time,  Aunt  Elizabeth  had  an 
apoplectic  fit.  But  of  course  it  wasn't  really  very 
prulitable  because  mourning  is  so  desperately  ex- 
pensive. 

Gerald. 

Why  don't  you  marry? 

Lady  Frederick. 
Oh,  my  dear  Gerald,  you  know  I'm  always  unlucky 
at  g.imes  of  chance. 

Gerald, 
Charlie  Mereston's  awfully  gone  on  you. 

Lady  Frederick. 
That  must  bo  obvious  to  the  meanest  intelligence. 

Gerald. 
Well,  why  don't  you  have  him  ? 

Lady  Frederick. 
Good  heavens,  I'm  old  enough  to  bo  liis  mother. 


LADY  FREDERICK  31 

Gerald. 

Nonsense.  You're  only  ten  years  older  than  he  is, 
and  nowadays  no  nice  young  man  marries  a  woman 
younger  than  himself. 

Lady  Feederick. 

He's  such  a  good  fellow.  I  couldn't  do  him  a 
nasty  turn  like  that. 

Gerald. 

How  about  Montgomerie?  He  simply  stinks  of 
money,  and  he's  not  a  bad  sort. 

Lady  Frederick. 
[Swp'ised.]  My  dear  boy,  I  hardly  know  him, 

Gerald. 
Well,  I'm  afraid  it  means  marriage  or  bankruptcy. 

Lady  Frederick, 

Here's  Charlie.  Take  him  away,  there's  a  dear.  I 
want  to  talk  to  Paradine. 

JiJnte?'  Paradine  Fouldes  with  Mereston, 

Fouldes. 
What,  still  here,  Lady  Frodeiick? 

Lady  Frederick. 
As  large  as  life. 

Fouldes. 
We've  been  taking  a  turn  on  the  terrace. 


32  LADY  FREDERICK 

Lady  Frederick. 

[To  Mereston.]  And  has  your  astute  uncle  been 
pumping  you,  Charlie  ? 

FOULDES. 

Eh,  what? 

Mereston, 

1  don't  think  he  got  much  out  of  mo. 

Fouldes. 

[Good-naturedbj.]  All  I  wanted,  dear  boy.  Tliere's 
no  one  so  transparent  as  the  person  who  thinks  he's 
devilish  deep.     By  the  way,  what's  the  time? 

Gerald. 
About  eleven,  isn't  it? 

Fouldes. 
Ah  !  llow  old  are  you,  Charlie? 

Mereston. 
Twenty-two. 

Fouldes. 
Tlien  it's  high  time  you  went  to  bed. 

Lady  Frederick. 
Charlie's  not  going  to  bed  till  I  tell  him.    Are  you? 

Mereston. 
Of  course  not. 

Fouldes. 

Has  it  escaped  your  acute  intelligence,  my  friend, 
that  1  want  to  talk  to  Lady  Frederick  ^ 


LADY  FREDERICK  33 

Mereston. 

Not  at  all.     But  I  have  no  reason  to  believe  that 
Lady  Frederick  wants  to  talk  to  you. 

Gerald. 
Let's  go  and  have  a  game  of  pills,  Charlie. 

Mereston. 
D'you  want  to  be  left  alone  with  the  old  villain  ? 

FOULDES. 

You  show  no  respect  for  my  dyed  hairs,  young  man. 

Lady  Frederick. 
I've  not  seen  him  for  years,  you  know. 

Mereston. 
Oh,  all  right,     I  say,  you're  coming  for  a  ride  to- 
morrow, aren't  you  ? 

Lady  Frederick. 
Certainly.     But  it  must  be  in  the  afternoon. 

FoULDES. 

I'm  sorry,  but  Charles  has  arranged  to  motor  me 
over  to  Nice  in  the  afternoon. 

Mereston. 

[To   Lady  Frederick.]  That'll  suit  me   A  1.      I 
hud  an  engagement,  but  it  was  quite  unimportant. 

Lady  Frederick 
Then  that's  settled.     Good-night. 


34  LADY  FREDERICK 

Mereston. 
Good-night. 

[lie  (joes  out  with  Gerald.  Lady  Frederick 
tu7'ns  and  cjood-humouredhj  scrulinises 
Paradine  Fouldes. 


Well? 

Well  ? 


Lady  Frederick. 
Fouldes. 


Lady  Frederick. 
You  wear  excellently,  Paraiine. 

Fouldes. 
Thanks. 

Lady  Frederick. 
How  do  you  manage  it  ? 

Fouldes. 

I  By  getting  up  late  and  never  going  to  bed  early, 
fby  eating  whatever  I  like  and  drinking  whenever  I'm 
if  thirsty,  by  smoking  strong  cigars,  taking  no  exercise, 
'  and  refusing  under  any  circumstances  to  be  bored. 

Lady  Frederick. 

I'm  sorry  you  had  to  leave  town  in  such  a  hui  ry. 
Were  you  amusing  yourself  ? 

Fouldes. 
I  come  to  the  Riviera  every  year. 


LADY  FREDERICK  35 

Lady  Frederick, 
I  daresay,  but  not  so  early. 

FOULDES. 

I've  never  surrendered  so  far  to  middle  r.ge  as  to 
make  habits. 

Lady  Frederick. 

My  dear  Paradino,  the  day  before  yesterday,  Lady 
Mereston,  quite  distracted,  went  to  the  post  office 
and  sent  you  the  following  wire:  "Come  at  once, 
your  help  urgently  needed.  Charlie  in  toils  designing 
female,  Maud."     Am  I  right? 

FOULDES. 

I  never  admit  even  to  myself  that  a  well-dressed  ^ 
woman  is  mistaken. 

Lady  Frederick, 

So  you  started  post-haste,  bent  upon  protecting 
your  nephew,  and  were  infinitely  surprised  to  learn 
that  the  designing  female  was  no  other  than  your 
humble  servant, 

FoULDES. 

You'd  be  irresistible,  Lady  Frederick,  if  you  didn't 
know  you  were  so  clever. 

Lady  Frederick. 
And  n^w  what  are  you  going  to  do? 


36  LADY  FREDERICK 

FOULDES. 

My  dear  lady,  I'm  not  a  police  officer,  but  a  very 
harmless,  inoffensive  old  bachelor. 

Lady  Frederick. 
With  more  wiles  than  the  mother  of  many  daughters 
and  the  subtlety  of  a  comj^any  promoter, 

FoULDES. 

Maud  seems  to  think  that  as  I've  racketted  about  a 
little  in  my  time,  I'm  just  the  sort  of  man  to  deal 
with  you.  Set  a  thief  to  catch  a  thief,  don't  you 
know  ^     She's  rather  fond  of  proverbs. 

Lady  Frederick, 

She  should  have  thought  rather  of:  When  Greek 
meets  Greek,  then  comes  the  tug  of  war.  I  hear 
Lady  Mereston  has  been  saying  the  most  agreeable 
things  about  me. 

FoULDES. 

Ah,  that's  women's  fault ;  they  always  show  their 
hand.  You're  the  only  woman  I  ever  knew  who 
didn't. 

Lady  Frederick. 
[With   a   brogue.]    You    should    have   avoided    the 
lilarney  Stone  when  you  went  to  Ireland, 

FOULUES. 

Look  here,  d'you  want  to  marry  Charlie  ? 


LADY  FREDERICK  37 

Lady  Frederick. 
Why  should  I  ? 

FOULDES. 

Because  he's  got  fifty  thousand  a  year,  and  you're 
head  over  ears  in  debt.  You've  got  to  raise  some- 
thing like  four  thousand  pounds  at  once,  or  you  go 
under.  You've  got  yourself  a  good  deal  talked  about 
during  the  last  ten  years,  but  people  have  stood  you 
because  you  had  plenty  of  money.  If  you  go  broke 
they'll  drop  you  like  a  hot  potato.  And  I  daresay  it 
wouldn't  be  inconvenient  to  change  Lady  Frederick 
iierolles  into  Lady  Mereston.  My  sister  has  always 
lad  me  to  believe  that  it  is  rather  attractive  to  be  a 
Marchioness. 

Lady  Frederick. 
Unlike  a  duchess,  its  cheap  without  being  gaudy. 

FoULDES. 

You  asked  me  why  you  might  want  to  marry  a 
boy  from  ten  to  fifteen  years  younger  than  yourself, 
and  I've  told  you. 

Lady  Frederick. 

And  now  perhaps  you'll  tell  me  why  you're  going 
to  interfere  in  my  private  concerns  ? 

FoULDES. 

Well,  you  see  his  mother  happens  to  be  my  sister, 
and  I'm  rather  fond  of  her.  It's  true  her  husband 
was  the  most  sanctimonious  prig  I've  ever  met  in  my 
life. 


LADY  FREDERICK 


Lady  Fuedkrick. 


I  rcni ember  him  well.     He  was   president  of  the 
Broad  Church  UDion  and  wore  side-whiskers. 


FOULDES. 

But  she  stuck  to  me  through  thick  and  thin.  I've 
bi'on  in  some  pretty  tight  places  in  my  day,  and  she's 
always  given  me  a  leg  up  when  I  wanted  it.  I've  got 
an  idea  it  would  just  about  break  her  heart  if  Charlie 
married  you. 

Lady  Frederick. 
Thanks. 

Fouldes. 

You  know,  I  don't  want  to  be  offensive,  but  I  think 
it  would  be  a  pity  myself.  And  besides,  unless  I'm 
much  mistaken,  I've  got  a  little  score  of  my  own  that 
I  want  to  pay  off. 

Lady  Frederick. 
Have  you  ? 

Fouldes. 

You've  got  a  good  enough  memory  not  to  have 
forgotten  that  you  made  a  blithering  fool  of  me  once. 
I  swore  I'd  get  even  with  you,  and  by  George,  1  mean 
to  do  it. 

Lady  Frederick. 

[LaiKjhimj .]  And  how  do  you  propose  to  stop  me 
if  r  make  up  my  mind  that  I'm  going  to  accept 
Charlie? 


LADY  FREDERICK  39 

FOULDES. 

Well,  he's  Qot  proposed  yet,  has  he  ? 

Lady  Frederick. 
Not  yet,  but  I've  had  to  use  every  trick  and  device 
I  can  think  of  to  prevent  him. 

FoULDES. 

Look  here,  I'm  going  to  play  this  game  with  my 
cards  on  the  table. 

Lady  Frederick. 
Then  I  shall  be  on   my  guard.     You're  never  so 
dangerous  as  when  you  pretend  to  be  frank. 

FoULDES. 

I'm  sorry  you  should  think  so  badly  of  me. 

Lady  Frederick. 
I  don't.      Only  it  was  a   stroke  of  genius  when 
Nature  put  the  soul  of  a  Jesuit  priest  into  the  body 
of  a  Yorkshire  squire. 

FoULDES. 

I  wonder  what  you're  paying  me  compliments  for. 
You  must  be  rather  afraid  of  me. 

{They  look  at  one  another  for  a  moment. 

Lady  Frederick. 
Well,  let's  look  at  these  cards. 


40  LADY  FREDERICK 

FOULDES. 

First  of  all,  there's  this  money  you've  got  to  raise. 

Lady  Frederick. 
Well  ? 

FoULDES. 

This  is  my  sister's  suggestion. 

Lady  Frederick. 
That  means  you  don't  much  like  it. 

Fouldes. 
If  you'll  refuse  the  boy  and  clear  out— we'll  give 
you  forty  thousand  pounds. 

Lady  Frederick. 
I  suppose  you'd  be  rather  surprised  if  I  boxed  your 
ears. 

Fouldes. 

Now,  look  here,  between  you  and  mo  high  falutin's 
rather  absurd,  don't  you  think  so  ?  You're  in  desperate 
want  of  money,  and  I  don't  suppose  it  would  amuse 
you  much  to  have  a  young  hobbledehoy  hanging  about 
your  skirts  for  the  rest  of  your  life. 

Lady  Frederick. 
Very  well,  we'll  have  no  hi^di  falutin  !  You  may 
tell  Lady  Moreston  that  if  I  really  wanted  the  monoy 
I  shouldn't  be  such  an  idiot  as  to  take  forty  thousiuul 
down  when  I  can  have  fifty  thousand  a  year  for  the 
asking. 


LADY  FREDERICK  ^i 

FOULDES. 


1  told  her  that. 

Lady  Frederick, 

You  showed  great  perspicacity.  Now  for  the  second 
card, 

FoULDES. 

My  dear,  it's  no  good  getting  into  a  paddy  over  it. 

Lady  Frederick. 
I've  never  been  calmer  in  my  life. 

FoULDES. 

You  always  had  the  very  deuce  of  a  temper.  I 
suppose  you've  not  given  Charlie  a  sample  of  it  yet, 
have  you  ? 

Lady  Frederick. 
[Laughing,]  Not  yet. 

Fouldes. 
Well,  the  second  card's  your  reputation. 

Lady  Frederick. 

But  I  haven't  got  any.  1  thought  that  such  an 
advantage. 

Fouldes. 
You  see  Charlie  is  a  young  fool.     He  tliinks  you  a 
paragon  of  all  the  virtues,  and  it's  never  occurred  to 
him  that  you've  rather  gone  the  pace  in  your  time. 


42  LADY  FREDERICK 

Lady  Fkkderick. 

It's  one  of  my  greatest  consolations  to  think  that 
even  a  huntlrod  horse-power  racing  motor  couldn't  be 
more  rapid  than  I've  been, 

FOULDES. 

Still  it'll  be  rather  a  shock  to  Charlie  when  he  hears 
that  this  modest  flower  whom  he  trembles  to  adore 
has.  .  .  . 

Lady  Frederick. 

Very  nearly  eloped  with  his  own  uncle.  But  you 
won't  tell  him  that  story  because  you  hate  looking  a 
perfect  ass. 

FoULDES. 

Madam,  when  duty  calls,  Paradine  Fouldes  con- 
sents even  to  look  ridiculous.  But  I  was  thinking 
of  the  Bellingham  aflair. 

Lady  Frederick. 

Ah,  of  course,  there's  the  Bellingham  affair.  I'd 
forgotten  it. 

Fouldes. 

Nasty  little  business  that,  eh  ? 

Lady  FredericKi 
Horrid, 

Fouldes. 
Don't  you  think  it  would  choke  him  off? 

Lady  Frederick. 
I  think  it  very  probable. 


LADY  FREDERICK  43 

FOULDES. 

Well,  hadn't  you  better  cave  in  ? 

Lady  Frederick. 

[Ringing  the  hell]  Ah,  but  you've  not  seen  my 
cards  yet.  [A  servant  enters.]  Tell  my  servant  to 
bring  down  the  despatch-box  which  is  on  my  writing- 
table. 

Servant, 
Yes,  miladi. 

[Exit. 

FoULDES, 

"What's  up  now  ? 

Lady  Frederick. 
Well,  four  or  five  years  ago  I  was  staying  at  this 
hotel,  and  Mimi  la  Bretonne  had  rooms  here, 

FoULDES. 

I  never  heard  of  the  lady,  but  her  name  suggests 
that  she  had  an  aflectionate  nature. 

Lady  Frederick. 
She  was  a  little  singer  at  the  Folies  Bergeres,  and 
she  had  the  loveliest  emeralds  I  ever  saw. 

FoULDES. 

But  you  don't  know  Maud's. 


44  LADY  FREDERICK 

Lady  Frederick 

The  late  Lord  Mereston  had  a  passion  for  emeralds. 
Ho  always  thought  they  were  such  pure  stones. 

FOULDES. 

[Quickly.]  I  beg  your  pardon  ? 

Lady  Frederick. 

Well,  Mimi  fell  desperately  ill,  and  there  was  no  one 
to  look  after  her.  Of  course  the  pious  English  ladies 
in  the  hotel  wouldn't  go  within  a  mile  of  her,  so  I 
went  and  did  the  usual  thing,  don't  you  know. 

[Lady  Frederick's  tncm  comes  in  ivith  a  small 
despatch-box  ichich  he  places  on  a  table.  He 
goes  out.  Lady  Frederick  as  she  talks^ 
unlocks  it, 

FoULDEg. 

Thank  God  I'm  a  bachelor,  and  no  ministering 
angel  ever  smoothes  my  pillow  when  I  particularly 
want  to  be  left  alone. 


Lady  Frederick. 

1  nursed  her  more  or  less  through  the  whole  illness, 
and  afterwards  she  fancied  she  owed  nie  her  worthless 
little  life.  She  wanted  to  give  mo  the  precious 
emeralds,  and  when  I  refused  was  so  heart-broken 
that  1  said  J'd  take  one  thing  if  T  might. 


LADY  FREDERICK  45 

FoULDESb 

And  what  was  that  ? 

Lady  Frederick, 

A  bundle  of  letters.  I'd  seen  the  address  on  the 
back  of  the  envelope,  and  then  I  recognised  the  writing. 
I  thought  they'd  be  much  safer  in  my  hands  than  in 
hers.  [She  takes  them  out  of  the  box  and  hands  them  to 
Paradine.]  Here  they  are. 

[ITe  looks  and  starts  violently. 

FOULDES. 

89  Grosvenor  Square.  It's  Mereston's  writing. 
You  don't  mean?  What!  Ah,  ah,  ah.  [He  hursts 
into  a  shout  of  laughter.']  The  old  sinner.  And 
Mereston  wouldn't  have  me  in  the  house,  if  you  please, 
because  I  was  a  dissolute  libertine,  And  he  was  the 
president  of  the  Broad  Church  Union.  Good  Lord, 
how  often  have  I  heard  him  say  :  "Gentlemen,  I  take 
my  stand  on  the  morality,  the  cleanliness  and  the 
purity  of  English  Family  Life."     Oh,  oh,  oh. 

Lady  Frederick, 

I've  often  noticed  that  the  religious  temperament 
is  very  susceptible  to  the  charms  of  my  sex, 

Fouldes. 
May  I  look  ? 

Lady  Frederick, 
Well,  I  don't  know.    I  suppose  so. 


46  LADY  FREDERICK 

FOULDES. 

\Iicndin(j.]  *' Heart's  dcliijlit "  .  ,  ,  And  he  signs 
liinisc'lf,  "  your  darling  chickabiddy."  The  okl 
rulhan. 

Lady  Frederick. 

She  was  a  very  pretty  little  thing. 

FoULDES. 

I  daresay,  but  thank  heaven,  I  have  some  sense  of 
decency  left,  and  it  outrages  all  my  susceptibilities 
that  a  man  in  t  ide-whiskers  should  call  himself  any- 
body's chickabic  ly. 

Lady  Frederick. 

Protestations  of  undying  affection  are  never 
ridiculous  when  they  are  accompanied  by  such 
splendid  emeralds. 

FoULDES. 

[Starting  and  gi'oiving  suddenly  serions.^  And  what 
about  Maud  ? 

Lady  Frederick, 
Well  ?  ■ 

FoULDES, 

Poor  girl,  it'd  simply  break  her  heart.  lie 
preached  at  her  steadily  for  twenty  years,  and  she 
worshipped  the  very  ground  he  trod  on.  Slie'd  have 
died  of  grief  at  his  death  except  she  felt  it  her  duty 
to  go  on  with  his  work. 

Lady   KiiKUEuiCK, 
1  know. 


LADY  FREDERICK  47 

B'OULDES. 
By  Jove,  it's  a  good  card.     You  were  quite  riglit 
to    refuse  the   emeralds:  these  letters  are  twice  as 
valuable. 

Lady  Frederick. 

Would  you  hke  to  burn  them? 

FOULDES. 

Betsy  I 

Lady  Frederick. 

There's  the  stove.     Put  them  in. 

[He  takes  them  up  in  loth  hands  and  hurries  to 
the  stove.  But  he  stops  and  hrings  them 
hachy  he  throws  them  on  the  sofa. 

FoULDES. 

No,  I  won't. 

Lady  Frederick. 
Why  not? 

Fouldes. 

It's  too  dooced  crenerous.  I'll  fight  you  tooth  and 
nail,  but  it's  not  fair  to  take  an  advantage  over  me 
like'that.     You'll  bind  my  hands  with  fetters. 

Lady  Frederick. 
Very  well.     You've  had  your  chance. 

Fouldes. 
But,  by  Jove,  you  must  have  a  good  hand  to  throw 
away  'a    card   like    that.     What   have    you    got— a 
straight  flush  ? 


48  LADY  FREDERICK 

Lady  Frederick. 
I  may  bo  only  bluffing,  you  know. 

FOULDES. 

Lord,  it  does  me  good  to  Lear  your  nice  old  Irish 
brogue  again. 

Lady  Fredeuick. 
Faith,  and  does  it? 

FoULDES. 

I  believe  you  only  put  it  on  to  get  over  people. 

Lady  FiiedericKt 
[Smiling,']  Begorrah,  it's  not  easy  to  get  over  you. 

Fouldes. 
Lord,  I  was  in  love  with  you  once,  wasn't  I  ? 

Lady  Frederick. 
Not  more  than  lots  of  other  people  have  been. 

Fouldes. 
And  you  did  treat  me  abominably. 

Lady  Frederick. 

Ah,  that's  what  they  all  said.      15ut  you  i:ot  over  it 
very  well. 


LADY  FREDERICK  49 

FOULDES. 

I  didn't.     My  digestion  was  permanently  impaired 
by  your  brutal  treatment. 

Lady  Frederick. 

Is  that  why  you  went  to  Carlsbad  afterwards  instead 
of  the  Rocky  Mountains  ? 

FoULDES. 

You  may  laugh,  but  the  fact  remains  that  I've  only 
been  in  love  once,  and  that  was  with  you. 

Lady  Frederick. 
[Smiling  as  she  holds  out  her  hand.]  Good-night. 

FoULDES. 

For  all  that  I'm  going  to  fight  you  now  for  all  I'm 
worth. 

Lady  Frederick. 
I'm  not  frightened  of  you,  Paradine. 

Fouldes. 
Good-night. 

[As  he  goes  out,  Captain  Montgomerie  enters. 

Lady  Frederick. 
[Yaivning   and   stretching  her   arms.]  Oh    I'm   so 
sleepy. 

Captain  Montgomerie. 
I'm  sorry  for  that,     I  wanted  to  have  a  talk  with 
you. 


50 


LADY  FREDERICK 


Lady  Frederick. 

[Smilin'f.]  I  daresay  I  can  keep  awake  for  five 
minutes,  you  know — especially  if  you  oiler  me  a 
cigarette. 

Captain  Montgomekie. 

Here  you  are. 

[He  hands  her  his  case  and  liyhts  her  cigarette. 

Lady  Frederick, 
[With  a  sicjh.]  Oh,  what  a  comfort. 

Captain  Moxtgomerie. 

I  wanted  to  tell  you,  I  had  a  letter  this  morning 
from  my  solicitor  to  say  that  he's  just  bought 
Crowley  Castle  on  my  behalf. 

Lady  Frederick. 
Really.     But  it's  a  lovely  place.     You  must  ask 
me  to  come  and  stay. 

Captain  Montgomerie. 
I  should  like  you  to  stay  there  indefinitely. 

Lady  Fkedeuick. 
[With  a  quick  look.]  That's  charming  of  you,   but 
I  never  desert  my  London  long. 

Captain  Montgomerik. 
[Sniiliiuj,]  I  have  a  very  nice  house  in   I'ortman 
Square. 


LADY  FREDERICK  51 

Lady  Frederick. 
[Surpised.]  Really? 

Captain  Montgomerie. 
And  I'm  thinking  of  going  into  Parliament  at  the 
next  election. 

Lady  Frederick. 

It  appears  to  be  a  very  delightful  pastime  to  govern 
the  British  nation,  dignified  without  being  laborious. 

Captain  Montgomerie. 
Lady  Frederick,  although  I've  been  in  the  service 
I  have  rather  a  good  head  for  busine£:S,  and  I   hate 
beating   about  the  bush.     I  wanted  to  ask  you   to 
marry  me. 

Lady  Frederick. 

It's  nice  of  you  not  to  make  a  fuss  about  it.  I'm 
very  much  obliged  but  I'm  afraid  I  can't. 

Captain  Montgomerib. 
Why  not? 

Lady  Frederick. 
Well,  you  see,  I  don't  know  you. 

Captain  Montgomerie. 

We  could  spend  the  beginning  of  our  married  life 
so  usefully  in  making  one  another's  acquaintance. 

Lady  Frederick. 

It  would  be  rather  late  in  the  day  then  to  come  to 
the  conclusion  that  we  couldn't  bear  the  sifjht  of  one 
another. 


^2  LADY  FREDERICK 

Captain  Montgomerie. 
Shall  I  send  my  banker's  book  so  that  you  may  see 
Ihat  my  antecedents  are  respectable  and  my  circum- 
stances—such as  to  inspire  affection. 

Lady  Frederick. 
I  have  no  doubt  it  would  be  very  interesting — 

but  not  to  me. 

[She  makes  as  if  to  f/c. 

Captain  Montgomerie. 
Ah,   don't   go   yet.      Wont   you   give   me   5ome 
reason  ? 

Lady  Frederick. 

If  you  insist.      I'm  not  in  the  least  in  love   with 
you. 

Captain  Montgomerie. 

D'you  think  that  much  matters  ? 

Lady  Frederick. 
You're  a  friend  of  Gerald's,  and  he  says  you're  a 
very  gojd  sort.     But  I  really  can't  marry  every  one 
tint  Gerald  rather  likes. 

Captain  Montgomi-rie. 
He  said  he'd  put  in  a  good  word  for  me. 

Lady  Frederick. 
If  I  ever  marry  again  it  sliall  be  to  please  myself, 
not  to  please  my  brother. 


LADY  FREDERICK  53 

Captain  Montgomerii?. 
I  hope  I  shall  induce  you  to  alter  your  mind. 

Lady  Frederick. 
I'm  afraid  I  can  give  you  no  hope  of  that. 

Captain  Montgomerie. 
You   know,  when   I  determine  to  do  a  thing,  I 

o-eneially  do  it. 

Lady  Frederick. 

That  sounds  very  like  a  threat. 

Captain  Mo.ntgomerie. 
You  may  take  it  as  such  if  you  please. 

Lady  Frederick 
And  you've  made  up  your  mind  that  you're  going 

to  marry  me  ? 

Captain  Montgomerie. 

Quite. 

Lady  Frederick. 

Well,   I've   made   up   mine  that  you  shan't.      So 

we're  quits. 

Captain  Montgomerie. 

Why  don't  you  talk  to  your  brother  about  it  ? 

Lady  Frederick. 
Because  it's  no  business  of  his. 

Captain  Montgomerie. 
Isn't  it  ?     Ask  him  I 


34  LADY  FREDERICK 

Lady  Frederick. 
What  do  you  mean  by  that  ? 

Captain  Montgomerie. 
Ask  liim  ?     Good-ni<<ht. 

Lady  Frederick. 
Good-night.  [He  goes  out.     Lady    Frederick   goes 
to    the   French   window   that  leads  to    the  terrace  and 
calls.]  Gerald  ! 

Gerald. 

Ilulloal  [He  appears  and  comes  into  the  room. 

Lady  Frederick. 
Did  you  know  that  Captain  Montgomerie  was  going 
to  propose  to  me  ? 

Gerald. 
Yes. 

Lady  Frederick. 

Is  there  any  reason  why  I  should  marry  him  ? 

Gerald. 
Only  that  I  owe  him  nine  hundred  pounds. 

Lady  Frederick. 
[Aghast.]  Oh,  why  didn't  you  toll  me? 

Gerald. 
You  were  so  worrictl,    1   couldn't.      Oh,   I've  been 
such  a  fool.     I  tried  to  make  a  coup  for  Rose's  sake. 


LADY  FREDERICK  55 

Lady  Frederick. 
Is  it  a  gambling  debt? 

Gerald. 

Yes. 

Lady  Frederick. 

[Ironiccdhj.]  What  they  call  a  debt  of  honour? 

Gerald. 
I  must  pay  it  the  day  after  to-morrow  without  fail. 

Lady  Frederick. 

But  that's  the  day  my  two  bills  fall  due.     And  if 

you  don't  ? 

•^  Gerald. 

I  shall  have  to  send  in  my  papers,  and  I  shall  lose 
Rosie.     And  then  I  shall  blow  out  my  silly  brains. 

Lady  Frederick. 
But  who  is  the  man  ? 

Gerald. 
lie's  the  son  of  Aaron  Levitzki,  the  money-lender. 

Lady  Frederick. 
[Half-comiCy  half-ayhast.]  Oh  lord! 


END   OF   THE    FIRST   ACT 


THE  SECOND  ACT 

Tne  scene  is  the  same  as  in  Act  I.  Admiral  Carlisle 
is  sleeping  In  an  armchair  with  a  handkerchiej 
over  his  face,  KoSE  is  silting  on  a  grandfathers 
cliair,  and  Gerald  is  leaning  over  the  back. 

Rose. 

Isn't  papa  a  perfectly  adorable  cliaperon  ? 

[The  Admiral  snores, 

Gerald. 
Perfectly.  [^  pause. 

Rose. 
I've  started   fifteen  topics  of   conversation  in  the 
last  quarter  of  an  hour,  Gerald, 

Gerald, 
[Smiling.]  Have  you  ? 

Rose. 
You  alw.iys  agree  with  luo,  and  there's  an  vnd  of 
it.     So  I  have  to  rack  my  brains  again. 
56 


LADY  FREDERICK  57 

Gerald. 

All  you  say  is  so  very  wise  and  sensible.  Of  course 
I  agree. 

Rose. 

I  wonder  if  you'll  think  me  sensible  and  wise  in 
ten  years, 

Gerald. 

I'm  quite  sure  I  shall. 

Rose. 

Why,  then,  I'm  afraid  we  shan't  cultivate  any  great 
brilliancy  of  repartee. 

Gerald. 

Be  good,  sweet  maid,  and  let  who  will  be  clever. 

Rose. 

Oh,  don't  say  that.  When  a  man's  in  love,  he  at 
once  makes  a  pedestal  of  the  Ten  Commandments 
and  stands  on  the  top  of  them  with  his  arms  akimbo. 
When  a  woman's  in  love  she  doesn't  care  two  straws 
for  Thou  Shalt  and  Thou  Shalt  Not. 

Gerald. 

When  a  woman's  in  love  she  can  put  her  heart  on 
the  slide  of  a  microscope  and  examine  how  it  beats. 
When  a  man's  in  love,  what  do  you  think  he  cares 
for  science  and  philosophy  and  all  the  rest  of  it  I 

Rose. 

When  a  mnn's  in  love  ho  can  only  write  sonnets  to 
the  moon.  When  a  woman's  in  love  she  can  still  cook 
his  dinner  and  darn  her  own  stockings. 


58  LADY  FREDERICK 

Gerald. 

I  wish  you  wouldn't  cap  all  my  observations. 

[She  lifts  up  her  face,  and  he  kisses  her  lips. 

Rose. 

I'm  beginning  to  think  you're  rather  nice,  you 
laiow. 

Gerald. 
That's  reassuring,  at  all  events. 

EosE. 

But  no  one  could  accuse  you  of  being  a  scintillating 
talker. 

Gerald. 

Have  you  ever  watched  the  lovers  in  the  Park 
sitting  on  the  benches  hour  after  hour  without  saying 
a  word  ? 

Hose. 

Why  ? 

Gerald. 

Because  I've  always  thought  that  they  must  be 
bored  to  the  verge  of  tears.  Now  I  know  they're 
only  happy. 

ROSB. 

You're  certainly  my  soldier,  so  I  suppose  Pm  your 
nursery-maid, 

Gerald. 

You  know,  when  1  was  at  Trinity  College, 
Dublin 


LADY  FREDERICK  59 

Rose. 
[Interrupting.]  Were  you  there?     I  thought  you 
went  to  Oxford. 

Gerald. 

No,  why  ? 

Rose. 

Only  all  my  people  go  to  Magdalen. 

Gerald. 

Yes. 

Rose. 

And  I've  decided  that  if  I  ever  have  a  son  he  shall 
go  there^^o.^^^^^^^^  ^^^^^^^^  ^^^^^^^^^^^  ^^^^  kandJcerchief 
off  his  face  The  others  do  not  notice  him. 
He  is  aghast  and  astounded  at  the  conversa- 
tion. Lady  Frederick  comes  in  later  and 
stands  smiling  as  she  listens. 

Gerald. 
My  darling,  you  know  I  hate  to  thwart  you  in  any 
way ,lut  rve'quite  made  up  my  mind  that  my  son  shall 
go  to  Dublin  as  I  did. 

Rose. 
I'm  awfully  sorry,  Gerald,  but  the  boy  must  be 
educated  like  a  gentleman. 

Gerald. 
There  I  quite  agree,  Hose,  but  first  of  all  he's  an 
Irishman,  and  it's  right  that  he  should  be  educated  m 
Ireland. 


6o  LADY  FREDERICK 

Hose. 

Darling  Gerald,  a  mother's  love  is  naturally  the 
safest  guide  in  these  things. 

Gerald. 

Dearest  Rose,  a  father's  wisdom  is  always  the  most 
reliable. 

Lady  Frederick. 

Pardon  my  interfering,  but — aren't  you  just  a 
little  previous? 

Admiral. 

[Bursting  07U.]  Did  you  ever  hear  such  a  con- 
versation iu  your  life  between  a  young  unmarried 
couple  ? 

Rose. 

My  dear  papa,  we  must  be  prepared  for  everything. 

Admiral. 

In  my  youth  young  ladies  did  not  refer  to  things 
of  that  sort. 

Lady  Frederick. 

Well,  I  don't  suppose  they're  any  the  worse  for 
having  an  elementary  knowledge  of  natural  history. 
Personally  I  doubt  whether  ignorance  is  quite  tho 
same  thing  as  virtue,  and  I'm  not  quite  sure  that  a 
girl  makes  a  better  wife  because  she's  been  brought 
up  like  a  perfect  fool. 

Admiral. 

I  am  old-fashioned,  Lady  Frederick ;  and  my  idea 
of  a  modest  girl    ia    that  when  certain   topics  are 


LADY  FREDERICK  6i 

mentioned  she  should  swoon.     Swoon,  madam,  swoon. 
They  always  did  it  when  I  was  a  lad. 

Rose. 

Well,  father,  I've  often  tried  to  faint  when  I 
wanted  something  that  you  wouldn't  giwe  me,  and  I've 
never  been  able  to  manage  it.  So  I'm  sure  I  couldn't 
swoon. 

Admiral. 

And  with  regard  to  this  ridiculous  discussion  as  to 
which  University  your  son  is  to  be  sent,  you  seem  to 
forget  that  I  have  the  right  to  be  consulted. 

Gerald. 

My  dear  Admiral,  I  don't  see  how  it  can  possibly 
matter  to  you. 

Adjiiral. 

And  before  we  go  any  further  I  should  like  you  to 
know  that  the  very  day  Rose  was  born  I  determined 
that  her  son  should  go  to  Cambridge. 

Rose. 

My  dear  papa,  I  think  Gerald  and  I  are  far  and 
away  the  best  judges  of  our  son's  welfare. 

Admiral. 

The  boy  must  work,  Rose.  I  will  have  no  good* 
for- nothing  as  my  grandson. 

Gerald. 

Exactly.  And  that  is  why  I'm  resolved  he  shall  go 
to  Dublin. 


62  LADY  FREDERICK 

Ho  si:. 

The  important  i\\\\^^  is  that  ho  should  hnve  really 
nice  manners,  and  that  they  teach  at  Oxford  if  they 
teach  nothing  else. 

Lady  Frederick. 

Well,  don't  you  think  you'd  better  wait  another 
twenty  years  or  so  before  you  discuss  this  ? 

Admiral. 

There  are  some  matters  which  must  be  settled  at 
once,  Lady  Frederick. 

Lady  Frederick. 

You  know,  young  things  are  fairly  independent 
nowadays.  I  don't  know  what  they'll  be  in  twenty 
years'  time. 

Gerald. 

The  first  thing  the  boy  shall  learn  is  obedience. 

Rose. 

Certainly.  There's  nothing  so  hateful  as  a  dis- 
obedient child. 

Admiral. 

I  can't  see  my  grandson  renturing  to  disobey  me. 

Lady  Frederick. 

Then  you're  all  a^'reed.  h)o  that's  settled.  I  came 
to  tell  you  your  carriage  was  ready. 


LADY  FREDERICK  63 

Admiral. 
Go  and   put  on  your  bonnet,    Rose.      {To  Lady 
FiiEDERicK.]     Are  you  coming  with  us  % 

Lady  Frederick. 
I'm  afraid  I  can't.     Au  re  voir. 

Admiral. 

A  tout  a  I'heure. 

[He  and  Rose  go  out. 

Gerald. 
Have  you  ever  seen  in  your  life  any  one  so  entirely 
delightful  as  Rose  ? 

Lady  Frederick. 
[Laughing.']     Only  when  I've  looked  in  the  glass. 

Gerald. 
My  dear  Elizabeth,  how  vain  you  are. 

Lady  Frederick. 
You're  very  happy,  my  Gerald. 

Gerald. 

It's  such  a  relief  to  have  got  over  all  the  difficulties. 
I  thought  it  never  would  come  right.  You  are  a 
brick,  Elizabeth. 

Lady  Frederick. 

I  really  think  I  am  rather. 


64  LADY  FREDERICK 

Gerald. 
The  moment  you  promised  to  arrange  things  I  felt 
as  safe  aa  a  house. 

Lady  Frederick. 

I  said  I'd  do  my  best,  didn't  I  ?  And  I  told  you 
not  to  worry. 

Gerald. 
[Turning  round  suddenly.]    Isn't  it  all  right  ? 

Lady  Frederick. 

No,  it's  about  as  wrong  as  it  can  possibly  be.  I 
knew  Cohen  was  staying  here,  and  I  thought  I  could 
get  him  to  hold  the  bills  over  for  a  few  days. 

Gerald. 
And  won't  he  ? 

Lady  Frederick. 
He  hasn't  got  them  any  more. 

Gerald. 
[Startled.]  What! 

Lady  Frederick. 
They've  been  negotiated,  and  he  swears  he  doesn't 
know  who  has  them. 

Gerald. 
But  who  could  have  been  such  a  fool  ? 


LADY  FREDERICK  65 

Lady  Fuederick. 

i  don't  know,  that's  just  the  awful  part  of  it.  It 
was  bad  enough  before.  I  knew  the  worst  Cohen 
could  do,  but  now.  ...  It  couldn't  be  Paradine. 

Gerald. 
And  then  there's  Montgomerie. 

Lady  Frederick. 
I  shall  see  him  to-day. 

Gerald. 
What  are  you  going  to  say  to  him  ? 

Lady  Frederick. 
I  haven't  an  idea.     I'm  rather  frightened  of  him. 

Gerald. 

You  know,  dear,  if  the  worst  comes  to  the 
worst.  .  .  . 

Lady  Frederick. 
Whatever  happens  you  shall  marry  Rose.    I  promise 
you  that. 

[Paradine  Fouldes  appears. 

Fouldes. 
May  I  come  in  ? 

Lady  Frederick. 

[Gailij.']  It's  a  public  room.  I  don't  see  how  we 
can  possibly  prevent  you. 

E 


[Ue  goes  out. 


66  LADY  FREDERICK 

Gerald. 
I'm  just  going  to  take  a  stroll. 

Lady  Frederick, 
Do. 

FOULDES. 

"Well  ?     How  are  things  going  ? 

Lady  Frederick. 
Quite  well,  thank  you. 

Fouldes. 

I've  left  Charlie  with  his  mother.     I  hope  you  can 
spare  him  for  a  couple  of  hours. 

Lady  Frederick. 

I  told  him  he  must  spend   the  afternoon  with  her. 
I  don't  approve  of  his  neglecting  his  filial  duty. 

Fouldes. 
Ah !  .  .  .  I  saw  Dick  Cohen  this  morning. 

Lady  Frederick. 
[Qidckli/.]  Did  you? 

Fouldes. 
It  seems  to  interest  you  ? 

Lady  Frederick. 

Not  at  all.     Wliy  should  it? 


LADY  FREDERICK  67 

FOULDES. 

[Smiling.l  Nice  little  man,  isn't  he  ? 

LxVDY  FREDERICK. 

[Good  humouredly J]  I  wish  I  had  something  to 
throw  at  you. 

FoULDES. 

{With  a  laugh. \  Well,  I  haven't  got  the  confounded 
bills.     I  was  too  late. 

Lady  Frederick. 
Did  you  try  ? 

FoULDES. 

Oh — yes,  I  thought  it  would  interest  Charlie  to 
know  how  extremely  needful  it  was  for  you  to  marry 
him. 

Lady  Fhederick. 

Then  who  on  earth  has  got  them  ? 

FoULDES. 

I  haven't  an  idea,  but  they  must  make  you  very 
uncomfortable.     Three  thousand  five  hundred,  eh  ? 

Lady  Frederick. 
Don't  say  it  all  at  once.     It  sounds  so  much, 

FoULDES. 

You  wouldn't  like  to  exchange  those  letters  of 
Mereston's  for  seven  thousand  pounds,  would  you  ? 


68  LADY  FREDERICK 

Lady  Fuedeiuck. 
[Laughi)uj.'\  No. 

FoULDES. 

Ah.  ...  By  the  way,  d'you  mind  if  I  tell  Charlie 
the  full  story  of  your — relations  with  me  ? 

Lady  Frederick. 
Why  should  1 1     It's  not  I  who'll  look  ridiculous. 

FoULDES. 

Thanks.     I  may  avail  myself  of  your  permission. 

Lady  Frederick. 

I  daresay  you've  noticed  that  Charlie  has  a  very 
keen  sense  of  humour. 

Fouldes. 

If  you're  going  to  be  disagreeable  to  me  I  shnll  go. 
[Fie  stops.]  1  say,  are  you  quite  sure  there's  nothing 
else  that  can  be  brought  up  against  you  ? 

Lady  Frederick. 
[Laughing.]  Quite  sure,  thanke. 

Fouldes. 

My  sister's  very  jubilant  to-day.  What  about  the 
Bellingham  affair  ? 

Lady  Frederick. 
Merely  scandal,  my  friend. 


LADY  FREDERICK  69 

FOULDES. 

Well,  look  out.     She's  a  woman,  and  she'll  stick  at 

nothing. 

Lady  Frederick. 

I  wonder  why  you  warn  me. 

FoULDES. 

For  the  sake  of  old  times,  my  dear. 

Lady  Fredertck. 
You're  growing  sentimental,  Paradine.      It's  the 
punishment  which  the  gods  inflict  on  a  cynic  when 
he  grows  old. 

FoULDES. 

It  may  be,  but  for  the  life  of  me  I  can't  forget  that 

once 

Lady  Frederick. 

[Interrupting.]  My  dear  friend,  don't  rake  up  my 
lamentable  past. 

FoULDES. 

I  don't  think  I've  met  any  one  so  entirely  devoid 
of  sentiment  as  you  are. 

Lady  Frederick. 
Let  us  agree  that  I  have  every  vice  under  the  sun 
and  have  done  with  it. 

\A  Servant  comes  in^ 

Servant, 
Madame  Claude  wishes  to  see  your  ladyship. 


70  LADY  FREDERICK 

Lady  Frederick. 
Oil,  my  dressmaker. 

FOULDES. 

Another  bill  ? 

Lady  Frederck. 

That's  the  worst  of  Monte.     Ono  meets  as  many 
creditors  as  in  Bond  Street.     Say  I'm  engaged. 

Servant. 

Madame  Claude  says  she  will  wait  till  miladi  is 
free. 

FOULDES. 

You  make  a  mistake.     One  should  always  be  polite 
to  people  whose  bills  one  can't  pay. 

Lady  Frederick. 
Show  her  in. 

Servant. 
Yes,  miladi.  [Exit  Servant 

FoULDES, 

Is  it  a  big  one  ? 

Lady  Frederick. 
Oh,  no;  only  seven  hundred  pounds. 

Fouldes. 
By  Jove. 

Lady  Frederick 

My  dear  friend,  ono  must  dress.     I  can't  go  about 
in  ijg  leaves. 


LADY  FREDERICK  71 

FOULDES. 

One  can  dress  simply. 

Lady  Frederick, 
I  do.     That's  why  it  costs  so  much. 

FoULDES, 

You  know,  you're  devilish  extravagant. 

Lady  Frederick, 
I'm  not.     I'm  content  with  the  barest  necessities 
of  existence. 

FoULDES. 

You've  got  a  maid. 

Lady  Frederick, 
Of  course  I've  got  a  maid.     I  was  never  taught  to 
dress  myself. 

FoULDES, 

And  you've  got  a  footman. 

Lady  Frederick. 
I've    always    had    a    footman.      And    my  mother 
always  had  a  footman.     I  couldn't  live  a  day  without 
him. 

FoULDES. 

What  does  he  do  for  you  ? 

Lady  Frederick, 
He  inspires  confidence  in  tradesmen. 


72  LADY  FREDERICK 

FOULDES. 

And  you  have  the  most  expensive  suite  of  rooms  in 
the  hotel. 

Lady  Fuederick, 

Fm  in  such  a  dreadful  mess.  If  I  hain't  got  nice 
rooms  I  should  brood  over  it. 

FoULDES. 

Then,  as  if  that  weren't  enough,  you  fling  your 
money  away  at  the  tables. 

Lady  Frederick. 

When  you're  as  poor  as  I  am,  a  few  louis  more  or 
less  can  make  absolutely  no  difierence. 

FoULDES.. 

\)Vilh  a  laugh  ]  You're  quite  incorrigible. 

Lady  Frederick. 

It's  really  not  my  fault.  I  do  try  to  be  economical, 
but  money  slips  through  my  fingers  like  water.  I 
can't  help  it. 

Fouldes. 

You  want  a  sensible  sort  of  a  man  to  look  after  you. 

Lady  Frederick. 
I  want  a  very  rich  sort  of  a  man  to  look  after  me. 

Fouldes. 
If  you   were    my  wife,  I   should  advertise  in   the 
papers  that  I  wasn't  responsible  for  your  debts. 


LADY  FREDERICK  73 

Lady  Frederick. 

If  you  were  my  husband,  I'd  advertise  imme- 
diately underneath  that  I  wasn't  responsible  for  your 
manners. 

FOULDES. 

I  wonder  why  you're  so  reckless. 

Lady  Frederick. 

When  my  husband  was  alive  I  was  so  utterly 
wretched.  And  afterwards,  when  I  looked  forward 
to  a  little  happiness,  my  boy  died.  Then  I  didn't 
care  any  more.  I  did  everything  I  could  to  stupefy 
myself.  I  squandered  money  as  other  women  take 
morphia — thit's  all. 

FoULDES. 

It's  the  s  ime  dear  scatter-brained,  good-hearted 
Betsy  that  1  used  to  know. 

Lady  Frederick. 

You're  the  only  person  who  calls  me  Betsy  now.  To 
all  the  others  I'm  only  Elizabeth. 

FoULDES. 

Look  here,  what  are  you  going  to  do  with  this 
dressmaker  'i 

Lady  Frederick. 

I  don't  know.  I  always  trust  to  the  inspiration  of 
the  moment. 

FoULDES. 

She'll  make  a  devil  of  a  fuss,  won't  she  ? 


74  LADY  FREDERICK 

Lady  Frederick. 
Oh,  no ;  I  shall  be  quite  nice  to  her. 

FOULDES. 

I  daresay.     But  won't  she  be  very  disagreeable  to 
you  ? 

Lady  Frederick. 

You    don't    know    what  a  way   I   have  with  my 
creditors. 

Fouldes. 
I  know  it's  not  a  paying  way. 

Lady  Frederick. 

Isn't  it  ?     I  bet  you  a  hundred  louis  that  I  offer 
her  the  money  and  she  refuses  it. 

Fouldes. 
I'll  take  that. 

Lady  Frederick. 

Here  she  is. 

[Madame  Claude  enters,  iishered  in  hy  the 
Servaxt.  She  is  a  stout,  genteel  persoji, 
veri/  splendidly  gowned,  with  a  Cockney 
accent.  Her  face  is  set  to  sternness,  decision 
to  make  a  scene,  and  general  souniess. 

Seuvant. 

Madame  Claude. 

[Exit  Servant.  Lady  Frederick  goes  tip  to 
her  enthitsiasticall y  and  takes  both  her 
hands. 


LADY  FREDERICK  75 

Lady  Frederick. 
Best  of  women.     This  is  a  joyful  surprise. 

Madame  Claude. 
[Draiving  herself  up.]  I  'eard  quite  by  chance  that 
your  ladyship  was  at  Monte. 

Lady  Frederick. 
So  you  came  to  see  me  at  once.     That  was  nice  of 
you.     You're  the  very  person  I  wanted  to  see. 

Madame  Claude. 
[Skjnificanthj.]  I'm  glad  of  that,  my  lady,  I  must 
confess. 

Lady  Frederick. 
You  dear  creature.    That's  one  advantage  of  Monte 
Carlo,  one  meets  all  one's  friends.     Do  you  know  Mr. 
Fouldes  ?     This  is  Madame  Claude,  an  artist,  my  dear 
Paradine,  a  real  artist. 

Madame  Claude. 
[Grimly.]  Vm  pleased  that    your  ladyship  should 
think  so. 

Fouldes. 
How  d'you  do. 

Lady  Frederick. 

Now,  this  gown.     Look,  look,  look.     In  this  skirt 

there's  genius,  mon  cher.     In  the  way  it  hangs  my 

whole  character  is  expressed.     Observe  the  fullness  of 

it,  that  indicates  those  admirable  virt-.ues  which  make 


76  LADY  FREDERICK 

me  an  ornament  to  Society,  while  the  frill  at  the 
bottom  just  suggests  those  foibles — you  can  hardly 
call  them  faults — which  add  a  certain  grace  and 
interest  to  my  personality.  And  the  flounce.  Para- 
dine,  I  beseech  you  to  look  at  it  carefully.  I  would 
sooner  have  designed  this  flounce  than  won  the  Battle 
of  Waterloo. 

Madame  Claude. 
Your  lad3'ship  is  very  kind. 

Lady  FrvEDERicK. 

Not  at  all,  not  at  all.  You  remember  that  rose 
chiflbn.  I  wore  it  the  other  day,  and  the  dear  Arch- 
duchess came  up  to  me  and  said ;  "  My  dear,  my 
dear."  I  thought  she  was  going  to  have  a  fit.  But 
when  she  recovered  she  kissed  me  on  both  cheeks  and 
said :  "  Lady  Frederick,  you  have  a  dressmaker 
worth  her  weight  in  gold."  You  heard  her,  Paradine, 
didn't  you  ? 

Fouldes. 
You  forget  that  I  only  arrived  last  night. 

Lady  Frederick. 

Of  course.  How  stupid  of  me.  She'll  be  perfectly 
delighted  to  hear  that  you're  in  Monte  Carlo.  But  I 
shall  have  to  break  it  to  her  gently. 

Madame  Claude. 

[Unmoved.]  I'm  sorry  to  intrude  upon  your 
ladyship. 


LADY  FREDERICK  77 

Lady  Frederick. 
Now  what  are  you  talking  about  ?     If  you  hadn't 
come  to  see  me  I  should  never  have  forgiven  you. 

Madame  Claude. 
I  wanted  to  have  a  little  talk  with  your  ladyship. 

Lady  Frederick. 

Oh,  but  I  hope  we  shall  have  many  little  talks. 
Have  you  brought  your  motor  down  ? 

Madame  Claude. 
Yes. 

Lady  Frederick. 

That's  charming.  You  shall  take  me  for  a  drive 
in  it  every  day.  I  hope  you're  going  to  stay  some 
time. 

Madame  Claude. 

That  depends  on  circumstances,  Lady  Frederick.  I 
'ave  a  little  business  to  do  here. 

Lady  Frederick. 
Then  let  me  give  you  one  warning — don't  gamble. 

Madame  Claude. 

Oh,  no,  my  lady.  I  gamble  quite  enough  in  my 
business  as  it  is.  I  never  know  when  my  customers 
will  pay  their  bills — if  ever. 

Lady  Frederick. 
[Slightly  taken  aback.]  Ha,  ha,  ha. 


78  LADY  FREDERIC F{ 

FoULDES. 
[IT/V/i  a  Jeep  guffaw.]  Ho,  ho,  ho. 

Lady  Fkedeiuck. 

Isn't  she  clever?  I  must  tell  that  to  the  Arch- 
duchess. She'll  be  so  amused.  Ha,  ha,  ha,  ha.  The 
dear  Archduchess,  you  know  she  loves  a  little  juke. 
You  must  really  meet  her.  Will  you  come  and  lunch  ? 
I  know  you'd  hit  it  oil'  together. 

Madame  Claude. 
[Afore  genial!}/.]  That's  very  kind  of  your  ladyship. 

Lady  Frederick. 
My  dear,  you  know  perfectly  well  that  I've  always 
locked  upon  you  as  one  of  my  best  friends.    Now  who 
shall  we  have  ?     There's  you  and  me  and  the  Arch- 
duchess.    Then  I'll  ask  Lord  Mereston. 

Madame  Claude. 
The  Marquess  of  Mereston,  Lady  Frederick? 

Lady  Frederick. 
Yes.     And  Mr.  Fouldes,  his  uncle. 

Madame  Claude. 
Excuse  me,  are  you  the  Mr.  Paradine  Fouldcs  ? 

Fouldes. 
[BowiJig.]  At  your  service,  madam. 


LADY  FREDERICK  79 

Madame  Claude. 
I'm  so  glad  to  make  your  acquaintance,  Mr.  Fouldes. 
[Unctuoudij.]  I've   always  heard  you're  such  a  bad 
man. 

Fouldes. 
Madam,  you  overwhelm  me  with  confusion. 

Madame  Claude. 

Believe  me,  Mr.  Fouldes,  it's  not  the  ladies  t^at^^i 
are  married  to  saints  who  take  the  trouble  to  dress  |^ 
well. 

Lady  Frederick. 

Now  we  want  a  third  man.  Shall  we  ask  my 
brother — you  know  Sir  Gerald  O'Mara,  don't  you? 
Or  shall  we  ask  Prince  Doniani?  Yes,  I  think  we'll 
ask  the  Prince.  I'm  sure  you'd  like  him.  Such  a 
handsome  man !     That'll  make  six. 

Madame  Claude. 

It's  very  kind  of  you,  Lady  Frederick,  but — well, 
I'm  only  a  tradeswoman,  you  know. 

Lady  Frederick. 

A  tradeswoman  ?  How  can  you  talk  such  nonsense. 
You  are  an  artist — a  real  artist,  my  dear.  And  an 
artist  is  fit  to  meet  a  king. 

Madame  Claude. 

"Well,  I  don't  deny  that  I'd  be  ashamed  to  dress 
my  customers  in  the  gowns  I  see  painted  at  the 
Koyal  Academy. 


8o  LADY  FREDERICK 

Lady  Frederick. 
Then  it's  quite  settled,  isn't  it,  Madame  Claude— 
ob,  uiay  1  call  you  Ada  ? 

Madame  Claude. 
Oh,  Lady  Frederick,  I  should  be  very  much  flattered. 
But  how  did  you  know  that  was  my  name  ? 

Lady  Frederick. 
Why  you  wrote  me  a  letter  only  the  other  day. 

AIadame  Claude. 
Did  I? 

Lady  Frederick. 
And  such  a  cross  letter  too. 

Madame  Claude. 

[Apologeticalli/.]  Oh,  but  Lady  Frederick,  that  was 
only  in  the  way  of  business.  I  don't  exactly  remember 
what  expressions  I  may  have  made  use  of 

Lady  Frederick. 

[Interrupting,  as  if  the  truth  had  sudderdy  flashed 
aa-oss  her.]  Ada!  I  do  believe  you  came  here  to-day 
about  my  account. 

Madame  Claude. 
Oh,  no,  my  lady,  I  promise  you. 


LADY  FREDERICK  8l 

Lady  Frederick. 
You  did ;  I  know  you  did.     I  see  it  in  your  face 
Now  that  really  wasn't  nice  of  you.     I  thought  you 
came  as  a  friend, 

Madame  Claude. 
I  diel,  Lady  Frederick. 

Lady  Frederick. 
No,  you  wanted  to  dun  me,     I'm  disappointed  in 
you.  '  I  did  think,  after  all  the  things  I've  had  from 
you,  you  wouldn't  treat  me  like  that. 

Madame  Claude. 
But  I  assure  your  ladyship.   .  .  . 

Lady  Frederick. 
Not  another  word.     You  came  to  ask  for  a  cheque. 
You  shall  have  it. 

Madame  Claude. 
No,  Lady  Frederick,  I  wouldn't  take  it. 

Lady  Frederick. 
What  is  the  exact  figure,  Madame  Claude  ? 

Madame  Claude. 
I — I  don't  remember. 


82  LADY  FREDERICK 

Lady  Fuederick. 
Seven  hundred    and    fifty  pounds,  seventeen  and 
ninepence.     You  see,    I   remember.      You  came  for 
your  cheque  and  you  shall  have  it, 

[She  sits  doicn  and  takes  aj^en, 

Madame  Claude. 
Now,  Lady  Frederick,  I   should  look  upon  that  as 
most  unkind.    It's  treating  me  like  a  very  hecond-rate 
establishment. 

Lady  Fuederick. 
I'm  sorry,  but  you  should   have  thought  of  that 
before.     Kow  I  haven't  got  a  cheque ;  how  tiresome, 

Madame  Claude. 
Oh,  it  doesn't  matter,  Lady  Frederick.     I  promise 
you  it  never  entered  my  'ead. 

Lady  Frederick. 
What  shall  I  do  ? 

FOULDES. 

You  can  write  it  on  a  sheet  of  paper,  you  know. 

Lady  Frederick. 
[With  a  look,  aside  to  hijn.]  Monster!     [Aloud.]  Of 
course  I  can.     I  hadn't  thought  of  that.   [She  takes  a 
sheet  of  paper.]    But  how  on  earth   am  1   to  get  a 
stamp  i 

FoULDES. 

[Much  amused.]  I  happen  to  have  one  on  me. 


LADY  FREDERICK  83 

Lady  Fhederick. 
I  wonder  why  on  earth  you  should  have  English 
stamps  in  Monte  Carlo  ? 

FOULEES. 

[[landing  her  one.]  A  penny  stamp  may  sometimes 
save  one  a  iiundred  louis. 

Lady  Frederick. 

[Ii'onicalli/.]  Thanks  so  much.  I  write  the  name 
of  ray  bank  on  the  top,  don't  I  ?  Pay  INIadame 
Claude.  .  .  . 

Madame  Claude. 

Now,  it's  no  good,  Lady  Frederick,  I  won't  take  it. 
After  all  I  'ave  my  self-respect  to  think  of. 

Lady  Frederick. 
It's  too  late  now. 

Madame  Claude. 

[Sniffing  a  little.']  No,  no.  Lady  Frederick.  Don't 
be  too  'arc!  on  me.  As  one  lady  to  another  I  ask  you 
to  forgive  me.  I  did  come  about  my  account,  but — 
well,  I  don't  want  the  money. 

Lady  Frederick. 

[Loohing  up  good-humour edhj.]  Well,  well.  [SJie  loolcs 
at  the  cheque.]  Et  shall  be  as  you  wish.  There.  [She 
team  it  uj^.] 


84  LADY  FREDERICK 

Madame  Claude. 
Ob,  tliAnk  you,  Lady  Frederick.     I  look  upon  tlint 
as  a  real  favour.     And  now  1  really  must  be  getting 
off. 

Lady  Fuederick. 
Mnat  you  go?     Well,   goud-bye.     Paradine,   take 
Madame  Claude  to  lier  motor.     Ada  ! 

[She  Jiisses  her  on  the  cheek. 

Madame  Claude. 

[Cohif/.']  I  am  pleased  to  have  seen  you. 

[Paradine  qfers  his  arm  and  goes  out  with 
Madame  Claude.  Lady  Fkidkrick  goes 
to  the  icindow,  stands  on  a  chair  and  waves 
her  handkerchief.  While  she  is  doing  this 
Captain  Montgomerie  enters. 

Cattain  Montgomerie. 
now  d'you  do  ? 

Lady  Frederick. 
[Getting  down.]    IIow   nice    of   you    to    come.       I 
wanted  to  see  you. 

Captain  Montgomerie. 
!May  I  sit  down  ? 

Lady  Fredekick. 
Of  course.     There  are  one  or  two  things  I'd  lilco  to 
talk  to  you  about. 


LADY  FREDERICK  85 

Captain  Moxtgomekte. 

Yes? 

Lady  Frederick. 

First  I  must  thank  you  for  your  great  kindness  to 
Gerald.  I  didn't  know  last  night  that  he  owed  you 
a  good  deal  of  money. 

Captain  Mo2stgomerie. 
It's  a  mere  trifle. 

Lady  Frederick. 

You  must  be  very  rich  to  call  nine  hundred  pounds 
that? 

Captain  Montgomerie. 

I  am. 

Lady  Frederick. 

[With  a  laujh.]  All  the  same  it's  extremely  good  of 
you  to  give  him  plenty  of  time. 

Captain  I\Iontgomerie. 
I  told  Gerald  he  could  have  till  to-morrow. 

Lady  Frederick. 

Obviously  he  wants  to  settle  with  you  as  soon  as 
ever  he  can. 

Captain  Montgomerie. 

[Quietli/.]  I  often  wonder  why  gambling  debts  are 
known  as  debts  of  honour. 


86  LADY  FREDERICK 

Lady  Frederick. 

[Looking  at  him  steadily.']  Of  course  I  realise  that  if 
you  choose  to  press  for  the  money  and  Gerald  can't 
pay — he'll  have  to  send  in  his  papers. 

Captain  ISIontgomerie. 

\LigJuhj.']  You  may  be  quite  sure  I  have  no  wish 
to  bring  about  such  a  calamity.  By  the  way,  have 
you  thought  over  our  little  talk  of  last  night  ? 

Lady  Frederick, 
No. 

Carta  IN  Montgomerie. 
You  would  have  been  wise  to  do  so. 

Lady  Frederick. 

My  dear  Captain  Montgomerie,  you  really  can't 
expect  me  to  marry  you  because  my  brother  has  been 
so  foolish  as  to  lose  more  money  at  poker  than  he  can 
a  fiord. 

Captain  Montgomerie. 

Did  you  ever  hear  that  my  father  was  a  money- 
lender? 

Lady  Frederick. 

A  lucrative  profession,  I  believe. 

Captain  Montgomerie, 

lie  found  it  so.  He  was  a  Polish  Jew  called  Aaron 
Lovitzki.  lie  came  to  this  country  with  three 
bhiliiijgs  in  his  pocket,     lie  lent   luilf  a-crown  of  it 


LADY  FREDERICK  87 

to  a  fiiend  on  the  condition  that  he  should  be  paid 
back  seven  and  six  in  three  days. 

Lady  Frederick. 
I'm  not  good  at  figures,  but  the  interest  sounds 
rather  high. 

Captain  Montgomerie. 

It  is.  That  was  one  of  my  father's  specialities. 
From  these  humble  beginnings  his  business  grew  to 
such  proportions  that  at  his  death  he  was  able  to 
leave  me  the  name  and  arms  of  the  great  family  of 
Montgomerie  and  something  over  a  million  of  money. 

Lady  Frederick. 
The  result  of  thrift,  industry,  and  good  fortune. 

Captain  ^roxTGOMERiE. 

My  father  was  able  to  gratify  all  his  ambitions  but 
one.  He  was  eaten  up  with  the  desire  to  move  in 
good  society,  and  this  he  was  never  able  to  achieve. 
His  dying  wish  was  that  I  should  live  in  those  circles 
which  he  knew  only.  .  .  . 

Lady  Frederick. 
Across  the  counter  ? 

Captain  Montgomerie. 

Precisely.  But  my  poor  father  was  a  little  ignornnt 
in  these  matters.  To  him  one  lord  was  as  good  as 
another.  He  thought  a  Marquess  a  finer  man  tlian  an 
Earl,  and  a  Viscount  than  a  Baron.    He  would  never 


SS  LADY  FREDERICK 

have  understood  tliat  a  penniless  Iii.sh  baronet  might 
go  into  better  society  than  many  a  belted  earl. 

Lady  Frederick. 
And  what  is  the  application  of  this? 

Captain  Montgomerie. 

I  wanted  to  explain  to  you  one  of  the  reasons  which 
emboldened  me  last  night  to  make  you  a  proposal  of 
marriage. 

Lady  Frederick. 

But  surely  you  know  some  very  nice  people.  I  saw 
you  lunching  the  otlier  day  with  the  widow  of  a  city 
knight. 

Captain  Moxtgomerie. 

!Many  very  excellent  persons  are  glad  to  have  me 
to  dine  with  them.  But  I  know  quite  well  that 
they're  not  the  real  article.  I'm  as  far  o3"  as  ever 
from  getting  into  those  houses  which  you  have  been 
used  to  all  your  life.  Fm  not  content  with  third-rate 
earls  and  rather  seedy  downgeis. 

Lady  Frederick. 

Forgive  my  frankness,  but — aren't  you  rather  a 
snob  ? 

Captain  Montgomerie. 

^fy  father,  Aaron  Levitzki,  married  an  English 
woman,  and  I  have  all  the  English  virtues. 

Lady  Fui  deiiick. 

But  I'm  not  cpiito  sure  that  people  would  swallow 
you  even  as  my  husband. 


LADY  FREDERICK  89 

CArTAIN    MONTGOMERIE. 

They'd  make  a  face,  but  they'd  swallow  nie  right 
enough.  And  when  1  asked  them  down  to  the  best 
shoot  in  England  they'd  come  to  the  coLclusion  that 
I  agreed  with  them  very  well. 

Lady  Frederick. 

\Still  rather  amused. \  Your  offer  is  eminently 
businesslike,  but  you  see  I'm  not  a  business  woman. 
It  doesn't  appeal  to  me. 

Captain  Montgomerie. 
I  only  ask  you  to  perform  such  of  the  duties  of  a 
wife  as  are  required  by  Society.  They  are  few  enough 
in  all  conscience.  I  should  wish  you  to  entertain 
largely  and  receive  my  guests,  be  polite  to  me,  at 
least  in  public,  and  go  with  me  to  the  various  place  a 
people  go  to.  Otherwise  1  leave  you  entire  freedom. 
You  will  find  me  generous  and  heedful  to  all  your 
wishes. 

Lady  Frederick. 

Captain  Montgomerie,  I  don't  know  how  much  of 
all  that  you  have  said  is  meant  seriously.  But,  surely 
you're  not  choosing  the  right  time  to  make  such  a 
proposal  when  my  brother  owes  you  so  much  money 
that  if  you  care  to  be  hard  you  can  ruin  him. 

Captain  Montgomerie. 
Why  not  ? 

Lady  Frederick. 
D'you  mean  to  say.  .  .  .  ? 


90  LADY  FREDERICK 

Captain  Montgomerie. 

I  will  be  quite  frank  with  you.  I  should  never 
have  allowed  Gerald  to  lose  so  much  money  which 
there  was  no  likelihood  of  his  being  able  to  pay,  if  I 
had  not  thought  it  earned  me  some  claim  upon  your 
giatitude. 

Lady  FitEDERiCK. 

[S/i07'll//.]  Gerald  will  pay  every  penny  he  owes 
you  to-morrow. 

Captain  Montgomerie. 
[Blandlf/.]  "Where  d'you  suppose  he'll  get  it  ? 

Lady  Frederick. 

I  have  no  doubt  I  shall  be  able  to  manage  some- 
thing. 

Captain  IMontgomerie. 

Have  you  not  tried  this  morning,  entirely  without 
success  ? 

Lady  Frederick. 

[Startled.]  What? 

Captain  Montgomerie. 
You  do  not  forget  that  you  have  sundry  moneys  of 
your  own  which  are  payable  to-morrow  ? 

Lady  Frederick. 
How  d'you  know  that  ? 


LADY  FREDERICK  91 

Captain  Montgomerie. 
I  told  you  that  \vhGn  I  took  a  thing  in  hand  I 
carried  it  through.  You  went  to  Dick  Cohen,  and  he 
told  you  he'd  parted  with  the  bills.  Didn't  you 
guess  that  only  one  man  could  have  the  least  interest 
in  takins:  them  over? 


You? 
Yes. 
Oh,  God. 


Lady  Frederick, 

Captain  Montgomerie. 

Lady  Frederick. 


Captain  ]\Tontgomerie. 
Come,  come,  don't  be  worried  over  it.  There's 
nothing  to  be  alarmed  about.  I'm  a  very  decent 
chap — if  you'd  accepted  me  right  away  you  would 
never  have  known  that  those  bills  were  in  my 
possession.  Think  it  over  once  more.  I'm  sure  we 
should  get  on  well  together.  I  can  give  you  what 
you  most  need,  money  and  the  liberty  to  fling  it 
away  as  recklessly  as  you  choose  ;  you  can  give  me 
the  assured  and  fixed  position  on  which — my  father's 
heart  was  set. 

Lady  Frederick. 

And  if  I  don't  accept,  you'll  make  me  a  bankrupt 
and  you'll  ruin  Gerald  ? 

Captain  Montgomerie. 

I   refuse   to  consider  that   very  unpleasant  alter- 
native. 


92  LADY  FREDERICK 

T.ADY    FjlElDEinCK. 

Oh  !   I  can't,  I  can't. 

Captain  Montgomerte. 
[Laughiiig.]  But  you  must,  you  must.     When  shall 
I   come  for   your   answer  'i     To-morrow  ?     I'll   come 
with  the  bills  and  Gerald's  I.O.U.  in  my  pocket,  and 
you  shall  burn  them  yourself.     Good-bye. 

[lie  kisses  her  liand  and  goes  out.  Lady 
Frederick  remains  staring  in  front  of 
her.  Mereston  entersy  foUotved  hy  Lady 
Mereston  and  Paradine. 

IMereston. 

[Going  to  her  eagerb/.]  Ilulloa  !  I  wondered  what  on 
earth  had  become  of  you. 

Lady  Frederick. 
I  With  a  laugh.]  It's  only  two  hours  since  I  cha.<^ed 
you  away  from  me. 

Mereston. 
I'm  afraid  I  bore  you  to  death. 

Lady  Frederick. 
Don't  be  so  silly.     You  know  you  dc>n't. 

Mereston. 
Where  are  you  going  now  ? 


LADY  FREDERICK  93 

Lady  Fkederick. 
I  have  rather  a  headache.     I'm  going  to  he  down. 

Mereston. 
I'm  so  sorry. 

[Lady  Frederick  goes  out,  Meiieston  stares 
after  her  anx-iousli/,  and  makes  a  step 
toicards  the  door. 

Lady  Mereston. 
[Sharpli^'.]   Where  are  going,  Charlie  ? 

Mereston. 
I  never  asked  Lady  Frederick  if  I  could  do  anything. 

Lady  Mereston. 
Good  heavens,  there  are  surely  plenty  of  servants 
in  the  hotel  to  get  her  anything  she  wants. 

LIereston. 
Don't  you  think  a  drive  in  the  motor  would  do  her 
good  ? 

Lady    Mereston. 

[Uv.ahle  to  control  herself.]  Oh,  I  have  no  patience 
with  you.  I  never  saw  such  a  ridiculous  infatuation 
in  my  life, 

Paradine. 

Steady,  old  girl,  steady. 

Mereston. 
What  on  earth  d'you  mean,  mother  ? 


94  LADY  FREDERICK 

Lady  Mereston. 

Presumably  you're  not  going  to  deny  that  you're 
in  love  with  that  woman. 

Mereston. 

[Growing  pale.]  Would  you  mind  speaking  of  her 
as  Lady  Frederick  ? 

Lady  Mereston. 

You  try  me  very  much,  Charlie.  Please  answer 
my  question. 

Mereston. 

I  don't  want  to  seem  unkind  to  you,  mother,  but  I 
think  you  have  no  right  to  ask  about  my  private 
atlairs. 

FOULDES. 

If  you're  going  to  talk  this  matter  over  you're  more 
liktly  to  come  to  an  understanding  if  you  both  keep 
your  tempers. 

Mereston. 

There's  nothing  I  wish  to  discuss. 

Lady  Mereston. 

Don't  be  absurd,  Charlie.  You're  with  Lady 
Frederick  morning,  noon  and  night.  She  can  never 
Btir  a  yard  from  the  hotel  but  you  go  flying  after. 
Y^ou  pester  her  with  your  ridiculous  attentions. 

FoULDES. 

[Bliuidh/.]  One's  relations  have  always  such  an 
engaging  frankness.     Like  a  bad  looking-glass,  they 


LADY  FREDERICK  95 

always  represent  you  with  a  crooked  nose  and  a  ca^^t 
in  your  eye. 

Lady  Mereston. 

[To  Merestox.]  I  have  certainly  a  right  to  know 
what  you  mean  by  all  this  and  what  is  going  to  come 
of  it. 

IMereston. 

I  don't  know  w^hat  will  come  of  it. 

FOULDES. 

The  question  that  excites  our  curiosity  is  this  :  are 
you  going  to  ask  Lady  Frederick  to  marry  you  ? 

Merestox. 

I  refuse  to  answer  that.  It  seems  to  me  excessively 
impertinent. 

FOULDES. 

Come,  come,  my  boy,  you're  too  young  to  play  the 
heavy  father.  We're  both  your  friends.  Hadn't  you 
better  make  a  clean  breast  of  it?  After  all,  your 
mother  and  I  are  interested  in  nothing  so  much  as 
your  welfare. 

Lady  Mereston, 

[Imjdor'mg.']  Charlie ! 

Merestox. 

Of  course  I'd  ask  her  to  marry  me  if  I  thought  for 
a  moment  that  she'd  accept.  But  I'm  so  terrified 
that  she'll  refuse,  and  then  perhaps  I  shall  never  see 
her  again. 


96  LADY  FREDERICK 

Lady  Meresto^. 
The  boy's  stark,  staring  mad. 

Mkreston'. 
I  don't  know  wliiit  I  should  do  if  she  pent  me  about 
my    business.       I'd    rather    continue    in    this    awful 
uncertainty  than  lose  all  hope  for  ever. 

FOULDE?. 

By  George.  You're  pretty  far  gone,  my  son.  The 
lover  who's  diffident  is  in  a  much  worse  way  than  tlie 
lover  who  protests. 

Lady  Merestox. 

[With  a  little  laiujh.]  I  must  say  it  amuses  me  that 
Lady  Frederick  should  have  had  both  my  brother  and 
my  son  dangling  at  her  skirts.  Your  respective 
passions  are  separated  by  quite  a  number  of  years. 

Mereston. 
Lady   Frederick    has    already   told    me    of    that 
incident. 

FOULDES. 

With  the  usual  indiscretion  of  her  sex, 

Mereston. 
Tt  appears  that  she  was  very  unhappy  and  you, 
with  questionable  taste,  made  love  to  her. 

FoULDES. 

Do  your  }>est  not  to  preach  at  me,  dear  boy.     It 
reminds  me  of  your  lamented  father. 


LADY  FREDERICK  97 

Mereston". 

And  at  last  she  promised  to  go  away  with  you 
You  were  to  meet  at  "Waterloo  Station. 

FOULDES. 

Such  a  draughty  place  for  an  assignation, 

Mereston. 

Your  train  was  to  start  at  nine,  and  you  were  going 
to  take  the  boat  over  to  the  Channel  Isles, 

Fouldes. 

Lady  Frederick  has  a  very  remarkable  memory,  I 
remember  hoping  the  sea  wouldn't  be  rough. 

Mereston. 

And  just  as  the  train  was  starting  her  eye  fell  on 
the  clock.  At  that  moment  her  child  was  coming 
down  to  breakfast  and  would  ask  for  her.  Before 
you  could  stop  her  she'd  jumped  out  of  the  carriage. 
The  train  was  moving,  and  you  couldn't  get  out,  so 
you  were  taken  on  to  Weymouth — alone. 

Lady  Mereston. 

You  must  have  felt  a  quite  egregious  ass, 
Paradine. 

Fouldes. 
I  did,  but  you  need  not  rub  it  in. 


98  LADY  FREDERICK 

Lady  Merestox. 

Doesn't  it  occur  to  )'ou,  Charlie,  that  a  woman 
who  loves  so  eas«ily  can't  be  very  worthy  of  your 
afl'ection  ? 

Mereston. 

But,  my  dear  mother,  d'you  think  she  cared  for  my 
uncle  ? 

Fouldes. 

What  the  dickens  d'you  mean  ? 

IMereston'. 

D'you  suppose  if  she  loved  you  she  would  have 
hesitated  to  come  ?  D'you  know  her  so  little  as  that  ? 
She  thought  of  her  child  only  because  she  was  quite 
indiflferent  to  you. 

Fouldes. 

[Crossli/.]  You  know  nothing  about  it,  and  you're 
an  impertinent  young  jackanapes. 

Lady  Mereston. 

My  dear  Paradine,  what  can  it  matter  if  Lady 
Frederick  was  in  love  with  you  or  not  ? 

Fouldes. 
[Calming  down.]  Of  course  it  doesn't  matter  a  bit. 

Lady  Mereston. 

I  have  no  doubt  you  mistook  wounded  vanity  for  a 
broken  heart. 


LADY  FREDERICK  99 

FOULDES. 

[Acidly:]  My  dear,  you  sometimes  say  things  which 
explain  to  me  why  my  brother-in-law  so  frequently 
abandoned  his  own  fireside  for  the  platform  of  Exeter 
Hall. 

Mereston. 
It  may  also  interest  you  to  learn  that  I  am  perfectly 
aware  of  Lady  Frederick's  financial  difficulties.      I 
know  she  has  two  bills  falling  due  to-morrow. 

FoULDES. 

She's  a  very  clever  woman. 

Mereston. 
I've  implored  her  to  let  me  lend  her  the  money,  and 
she  absolutely  refuses.     You  see,  she's  kept  nothing 
from  me  at  all. 

Lady  Mereston. 
My  dear  Charlie,  it's  a  very  old  dodge  to  confess 
what  doesn't  matter  in  order  to  conceal  what  does. 

Mereston. 
What  do  you  mean,  mother  ? 

Lady  Mereston. 
Lady   Frederick   has    told    you    nothing    of    the 
Bellingham  affair  ? 

Mereston. 
Why  should  she  % 


100  LADY  FREDERICK 

Lady  Mereston. 

It  is  surely  expedient  you  should  know  that  the 
woman  you  have  some  idea  of  marrying  escaped  the 
divorce  court  only  by  the  skin  of  her  teeth, 

Mereston. 
I  don't  believe  that,  mother. 

FOULDES. 

Remember  that  you're  talking  to  your  respected 
parent,  my  boy. 

Mereston. 

I'm  sorry  that  my  mother  should  utter  base  and 
contemptible  libels  on — my  greatest  friend. 

Lady  Mereston, 

You  may  be  quite  sure  that  I  say  nothing  which 
I  can't  prove. 

Mereston. 
I  won't  listen  to  anything  against  Lady  Frederick. 

Lady  Mereston, 
But  you  must. 

Mereston. 

Are  you  quite  indifferent  to  the  great  pain  you 
cause  me  ? 

Lady  Mereston. 

I  can't  allow  you  to  m;irry  a  woman  who's  hope- 
lessly immoral. 


LADY  FREDERICK  loi 

Mereston. 
Mother,  how  dare  you  say  that  ? 

FOULDES. 

This  isn't  the  sorb  of  thing  I  much  like,  but  hadn't 
you  better  hear  the  worst  at  once  ? 

Mereston. 
Very  well.     But  if   my  mother  insists  on  saying 
things,    she    must    say   them    in    Lady    Frederick's 
presence. 

Lady  Mereston. 
That  I'm  quite  willing  to  do. 

Mereston. 

Good. 

[Ee  rings  the  hell,     A  servant  enters. 

Fouldes. 
You'd  better  take  care,  Maudie.     Lady  Frederick's 
a  dangerous  woman  to  play  the  fool  with. 

Mereston. 
{To  the  servant.]  Go  to  Lady  Frederick  Berolles  and 
say  Lord    Mereston  is  extremely   sorry   to   trouble 
her  ladyship,  but  would  be  very  much  obliged  if  she'd 
come  to  the  drawing-room  for  two  minutes. 


Servant. 
Very  well,  my  lord. 


{Exit 


102  LADY  FREDERICK 

FouLDES. 
What  are  you  going  to  do,  Maud  ? 

Lady  Mereston". 

I  knew  there  was  a  letter  in  existence  in  Lady 
Frederick's  handwriting  which  proved  all  I've  said 
about  her.  I've  moved  heaven  and  earth  to  get 
hold  of  it,  and  it  came  this  morning. 

FoULDES. 

Don't  be  such  a  fool.  You're  not  going  to  use 
that  ? 

Lady  Mereston. 
I  am  indeed 

FoULDES. 

Your  blood  be  upon  your  own  head.  Unless  I'm 
vastly  mistaken  you'll  sufler  the  greatest  humiliation 
that  you  can  imagine. 

Lady  Merestox. 
That's  absurd.     I  have  nothing  to  fear. 

Lady  Frederick  co7nes  m, 

Mereston 

I'm  so  sorry  to  disturb  you.  I  hop3  you  don't 
mind  ? 

Lady  Frederick 

Not  at  all,  I  knew  you  wouldn't  have  sent  for  me 
in  that  fashion  without  jj'ood  cause. 


LADY  FREDERICK  103 

Mereston. 
I'm  afraid  you'll  think  me  dreadfully  impertinent. 

Lady  Mereston". 
Really  you  need  not  apologise  so  much,  Charlie. 

Mereston. 
My  mother  has  something  to  say  against  you,  and 
I    think   it   right   that   she    should   say  it  in  your 
presence. 

Lady  Frederick. 
That's  very  nice  of  you,  Charlie— though  I  confess 
I    prefer    people  to   say  horrid  things  of  me    only 
behind  my  back.     Especially  if  they're  true. 

FOULDES. 

Look  here,  I  think  all  this  is  rather  nonsense. 
We've  most  of  us  got  something  in  our  past  history 
that  we  don't  want  raked  up,  and  we'd  all  better  let 
bygones  be  bygones. 

Lady  Frederick. 
I'm  waiting,  Lady  Mereston. 

Lady  Mereston. 
It's  merely  that  I  thought  my  son  should  know 
that  Lady  Frederick  had  been  the  mistress  of  Roger 
Bellingham.  [Lady  Frederick  turns  quickly  and 
looks  at  her ;  then  hursts  into  a  peal  of  laughter. 
Lady  Mereston  sjyrings  up  angrily  and  hands  her  a 
letter.]     Is  this  in  your  handwriting? 


104  LADY  FREDERICK 

Lady  Frederick. 

[^'^ot  at  all  discojicerted.]  Dear  me.  how  did  you  geb 
hold  of  this? 

Lady  Mereston. 

You  see  that  I  have  ample  proof,  Lady  Frederick. 

Lady  Frederick, 

[Uanding  the  letter  to  ISIerestox.]  "Would  you  like 
to  read  it  ?  You  know  my  writing  well  enough  to  be 
able  to  answer  Lady  Mereston's  question. 

[//e  reads  it  through  and  looks  at  her  in  dismay. 

Merestox, 
Good  God !  .  .  .  What  does  it  mean? 

Lady  Frederick, 
Pray  read  it  aloud. 

Mereston. 
I  can't. 

Lady  Frederick. 

Then  give  it  to  me.  [Slie  takes  it  from  him.]  It's 
addressed  to  my  brother-in-law,  Peter  I^erolles.  The 
3<ate  to  whom  it  refers  was  his  \vife.  [lieids.]  Dear 
l^eter:  I'm  sorry  you  should  have  had  a  row  with 
Kate  about  Roger  Bellingham.  You  are  quite  wrong 
in  all  you  thought.  There  is  absolutely  nothing 
between  them.  I  don't  know  where  Kate  was  on 
Tuesday  night,  but  certainly  she  was  not  within  a 
hundred  miles  of  Roger.     This  1  know  because,   .  .  . 


LADY  FREDERICK  105 

Mereston. 

[Interrifpiing.]  For  God's  sake  don't  go  on. 

[Lady  Frederick  looks  at  him  and  shrugs  her 
shoulders. 

Lady  Frederick. 
It's  signed  Elizabeth  Berolles.     And  there's  a  post- 
script :  You  may  make  what  use  of  this  letter  you 
like. 

Merestox. 
What  does  it  mean  ?     What  does  it  mean  ? 

Lady  Mereston, 
Surely  it's  very  clear?     You   can't  want  a  more 
explicit  confession  of  guilt. 

Lady  Frederick, 
I  tried  to  make  it  as  explicit  as  possible, 

Mereston. 
Won't  you  Fay  something?     Fm  sure  there  must 
be  some  explanation. 

Lady  Frederick. 
I  don't  know  how  you  got  hold  of  this  letter,  Lady 
Mereston.       I   agree  with  j^ou,  it  is   compromising. 
But  Kate  and  Peter  are  dead  now,  and  there's  nothing 
to  prevent  me  from  telling  the  truth. 

[Paradixe  Fouldes  takes  a  step  forward  and 
watches  her. 


io6  LADY  FREDERICK 

Lady  Frederick, 

My  sister-in-law  was  a  meek  and  mild  little  person, 
as  demure  as  you  can  imagine,  and  no  one  would  have 
suspected  her  for  a  moment  of  kicking  over  the  traces. 
Well,  one  morning  she  came  to  me  in  flocds  of  tear^ 
and  confessed  that  she  and  Roger  Bellin<ih vm  [icitli 
a  shrug^  had  been  foolish  Her  hushand  suspected 
that  something  was  wrong  and  had  kicked  up  a  row. 

FOULDES. 

l^Drily,^  There  are  men  who  will  make  a  scene  on 
the  smallest  provocation. 

Lady  Frederick. 

To  shield  herself  she  told  the  first  lie  that  came 
into  her  head.  She  said  to  Peter  that  Roger  Belling- 
hara  was  my  lover — and  she  threw  herself  on  my  mercy. 
She  was  a  poor,  weak  little  creature,  and  if  there'd 
been  a  scandal  she'd  have  gone  to  the  dogs  altogether. 
It  had  only  been  a  momentary  infatuation  for  Roger, 
and  the  scare  had  cured  her.  At  the  bottom  of  her 
heart  she  loved  her  husband  still.  I  was  desperately 
unhappy,  and  I  didn't  care  much  what  became  of  me. 
She  promised  to  turn  over  a  new  leaf  and  all  that 
sort  of  thing.  I  thought  I'd  better  give  her  another 
chance  of  going  straight.  I  did  what  she  wanted. 
I  wrote  that  letter  taking  all  the  blame  on  myself, 
and  Kate  lived  happily  witli  her  hu^sband  till  she 
died. 

Mereston. 

It  was  just  like  you. 


LADY  FREDERICK  107 

Lady  Mereston. 
But  Lord  and  Lady  Peter  are  dead  ? 

Lady  Frederick, 

Yes. 

Lady  Mereston. 

And  Roger  Bellingham  ? 

Lady  Frederick. 

He's  dead  too. 

Lady  Mereston. 

Then  how  can    you   prove   your   account   of   this 

affair  ? 

Lady  Frederick. 

I  can't. 

Lady  Mereston. 

And  does  this  convince  you,  Charlie? 

Mereston. 
Of  course. 

Lady  Mereston. 

[Impatiently,]  Good  heavens,  the  boy's  out  of  his 
senses.     Paradine,  for  Heaven's  sake  say  something. 

FOULDES, 

Well,  much  as  it  may  displease  you,  my  dear,  I'm 
afraid  I  agree  with  Charlie, 

Lady  Mereston. 
You  don't  mean  to  say  you  believe  this  cock-and- 
bull  story  ? 


108  LADY  FREDERICK 

FoULDES. 

I  do. 

Lady  Merestox. 

Why? 

FoULDES. 

Well,  you  see,  Lady  Frederick's  a  very  clever 
woman.  She  would  never  have  invented  such  an 
utterly  improbable  tale,  which  can't  jDossibly  be  proved. 
If  she'd  been  guilty,  she'd  have  had  ready  at  least  a 
dozen  proofs  of  her  innocence. 

Lady  Mereston. 
But  that's  absurd. 

Fouldes. 
Besides,  I've  known  Lady  Frederick  a  long  time, 
and  she  has  at  least  a  thousand  faults. 

Lady  Frederick. 
[With Jlashing  eyes.]  Thanks. 

FoULDKS. 

But  there's  something  I  will  sfiy  for  her.  She's 
not  a  liar.  If  she  tells  me  a  thing,  I  don't  hesitate 
for  a  moment  to  believe  it. 

Lady  Frederick. 

It's  not  a.  matter  of  the  smallest  importance  if  any 
of  you  believe  mo  or  not.  Bo  so  good  as  to  ring, 
Charlie. 


LADY  FREDERICK  109 

Mereston, 
Certainly. 

[Re  rings,  and  a  Servant  immediately  comes  in. 

Lady  Frederick. 

Tell  my  servant  that  he's  to  come  here  at  once  and 
bring  the  despatch-box  which  is  in  my  dressing-room. 

Servant. 
Yes,  miladi.  [Exit, 

FOULDES. 

[Quichly.'\  I  say,  what  are  you  going  to  do  ? 

Lady  Frederick. 
That  is  absolutely  no  business  of  yours. 

FoULDES. 

Be  a  brick,  Betsy,  and  don't  give  her  those  letters. 

Lady  Frederick. 

I  think  I've  had  enough  of    this  business.      I'm 
proposing  to  finish  with  it. 

FoULDES. 

Temper,  temper. 

Lady  Frederick. 

[Stamping  her  foot,]    Don't   say    temper    to    me, 
Paradine. 

[She  lualks  up  and  down  angrily.  Paradine 
sits  at  the  piano  and  with  one  finger  strums 
"  Rule  Britannia.'' 


no  LADY  FREDERICK 

Mereston. 
Shut  up. 

[lie   takes   a  hook,  flings  it  at  his  head  and 
7?i  isses, 

FOULDES. 

Good  shot,  sir. 

Lady  Frederick. 
I  often  wonder  how  you  got  your  reputation  for 
wit,  Paradine, 

FoULDES. 

By  making  a  point  of  laughing  heartily  at  other 
people's  jokes. 

[The  Footman  enters  with  the  despatch-box, 
which  Lady  Frederick  opens.  She  takes 
a  bundle  of  letters  from  it, 

FoULDES. 

Betsy,    Betsy,    for    heaven's    sake    don't!      Have 
mercy. 

Lady  Frederick. 
Was  mercy  shown  to  mc?     Albert  I 

Footman. 
Yes,  miladi. 

Lady  Frederick. 

You'll  goto  the  proprietor  of  the  hotel  and  tell  him 
that  I  propose  to  leave  Monte  Carlo  to-morrow. 

Meukston. 
[Ayhast]  Are  you  going  ? 


LADY  FREDERICK  III 

Footman. 
Very  well,  my  lady. 

Lady  Frederick. 
Have  you  a  good  memory  for  faces  ? 

Footman. 
Yes,  my  lady. 

Lady  Frederick. 
You're  not  likely  to  forget  Lord  Mereston  ? 

Footman. 
No,  my  lady. 

Lady  Frederick. 

Then  please   take  note  that  if  his  lordship  calls 
upon  me  in  London  I'm  not  at  home. 

Mereston. 
Lady  Frederick ! 

Lady  Frederick. 

[To  Footman.]  Go. 

[Exit  Footman. 
Mereston. 

What  d'you  mean  ?     What  have  T  done  ? 

[Without  cuiswering  Lady  Frederick  takes 
the  letters.  Paradine  is  icatching  her 
anxiously.  She  goes  itp  to  the  stove  and 
throws  them  in  one  hy  one. 


112  LADY  FREDERICK 

Lady  Merestox. 
"What  on  earth  is  she  doing  ? 

L.U)Y  Frederick. 

I  have  some  letters  here  which  would  ruin  tlie 
happiness  of  a  very  worthle.ss  woman  I  know.  I'm 
burning  them  so  that  I  may  never  have  the  temptation 
to  use  them. 

FOULDES. 

I  never  saw  anything  so  melodramatic. 

Lady  Frederick. 

Hold  your  tongue,  Paradine.  [Ttirning  to 
Merestox.]  My  dear  Charlie,  I  came  to  Monte 
Carlo  to  be  amused.  Your  mother  has  persecuted 
me  incessantly.  Your  uncle — is  too  well-bred  to  talk 
to  his  servants  as  he  has  talked  to  me.  I've  been 
pestered  in  one  way  and  another,  and  insulted  till  my 
blood  boiled,  because  apparently  they're  afraid  you 
may  want  to  marry  me.  I'm  sick  and  tired  of  it. 
I'm  not  used  to  treatment  of  this  sort ;  my  patience 
is  quite  exhausted.  And  since  you  are  the  cause  of 
the  whole  thing  I  have  an  obvious  remedy.  I  would 
much  rather  not  have  anything  more  to  do  with  you. 
If  we  meet  one  another  in  the  street  you  need  not 
trouble  to  look  my  way  because  I  shall  cut  you  dead. 


Lady  Merrston. 
[/a  an  undertone.]  Thank  God  for  that. 


LADY  FREDERICK  113 

ISIeheston. 
]\[otlier,  mother.  [To  Lady  Frederick.]  I'm 
awfully  sorry,  I  feel  that  you  have  a  right  to  bo 
angry.  For  all  that  you've  suflered  I  beg  your 
pnrdon  most  humbly.  My  mother  has  said  and  done 
things  which  I  regret  to  say  are  quite  unjustifiable. 

Lady  Mereston. 

Charlie ! 

Merestox. 

On  her  behalf  and  on  mine  I  apologise  w^'th  all  my 
he.irt. 

Lady  Frederick. 

[Smiling.]  Don't  take  it  too  seriously.  It  really 
doesn't  matter.  But  I  think  it's  far  wiser  that  we 
shouldn't  see  one  another  again. 

Mereston. 
But  I  can't  live  without  you. 

Lady  Mereston. 
[With  a  gasp.]  Ah  ! 

Mereston. 

Don't  you  know  that  my  whole  happiness  is  wrapped 
up  in  you?  I  love  you  with  all  my  heart  and  aoul. 
I  can  never  love  any  one  but  you. 

Fouldes. 
[T'o  Lady  Mereston.]    Now  you've  done  it.    You've 
done  it  very  neatly. 

u 


114  LADY  FREDERICK 

]\Ieiieston. 

Don't  think  me  a  presumptuous  fool.     I've  been 

wanting  to  say  this  ever  since  I  knew  you,  but  I 

haven't  dared.     You're  brilliant   and   charming  and 

fi\scinating,  but  I  have  nothing  whatever  to  offer  you. 

Lady  Frederick. 
[Gentli/.]  ]\Iy  dear  Charlie. 

Mereston. 
But  if  you  can  overlook  my  faults,  I  daresay  you 
could  make  something  of  me.  AVon't  you  marry  me  ? 
I  should  look  upon  it  as  a  great  honour,  and  I  would 
love  you  always  to  the  end  of  my  life.  I'd  try  to  be 
worthy  of  my  great  happiness  and  you. 

Lady  Frederick. 
You're  very  much  too  modest,  Charlie.     I'm  enor- 
mously flattered  and  grateful.      You  must  give  me 
time  to  think  it  over. 

Lady  Mereston. 
Time  ? 

Mereston. 
But  I  can't  wait.     Don't  you  see  how  I  love  you  ? 
You'll  never  meet  any  one  who'll  care  for  you  as  1  do. 

Lady  Frederick. 

I  think  you  can  wait  a  little.  Come  and  see  mo 
to-morrow  morning  at  ten,  and  I'll  give  you  an 
an.'swer. 


LADY  FREDERICK  115 

Mereston. 
Very  well,  if  I  must. 

Lady  Frederick. 
[Smiling.]  I'm  afraid  so. 

FOULDES. 

[To  Lady  Frederick.]  I  wonder  what  the  deuce 
your  little  game  is  now. 

[She  smiles  triicmphantl//  and  (jives  him  a  deep, 
ironical  curtsey. 

Lady  Frederick. 
Sir,  your  much  obliged  and  very  obedient,  humble 
servant. 


EXD    OF    TUE    second    ACT. 


THIRD  ACT 

Scene:  JjAby  Yreberick's  (hesslny-room,  At  the  hack 
is  a  large  opening,  curtained^  which  leads  to  the  hid- 
room;  on  the  right  a  door  leading  to  the  passage ; 
on  the  left  a  icindoio.  In  front  of  the  luindoic,  of 
n'hich  the  blind  is  drawn,  is  a  dressing- table. 
Lady  Frederick's  maid  is  in  the  room,  a  vtry 
neat  pretty  Frenchwoman.  She  sjyeaks  with  a 
slight  accent.  She  rings  the  bell,  and  the  Footxiax 
enters. 

Maid. 

As   soon    as  Lord    Mertston    arrives  he  is  to    be 
shown  in. 

[^Surprised^  Here  ? 


Footman. 
Maid. 


Where  else  ? 

[77ie  Footman  winlcs  significantly.  The  Maid 
draws  Jterself  uj)  with  dignify,  and  with  a 
dramatic  gtsture  points  to  the  door. 


Depart. 


Maid. 

( T/ie  Footman  goes  out. 
lie 


LADY  FREDERICK  117 

Lady  Frederick. 
[From  the  bedroom.]    Ilave  you  drawn  the  blind, 
Angelique  ? 

Maid. 
I  will  do  so,  miladi.  [She  dratm  the  blind,  and  the 
light  falls  brightly  on  the  dressing-table.]  But  miladi 
will  never  be  able  to  stand  it.  [She  looks  at  herself  in 
the  glass.]  Oh,  the  light  of  the  sun  in  the  morning  ! 
I  cannot  look  at  myself. 

Lady  Frederick. 
[As  before.]  There's  no  reason  that  you  should— 
especially  in  my  glass. 

Maid. 
But  if  'is  lordship  is  coming,  miladi  must  let  me 
draw  the  blind.     Oh,  it  is  impossible. 

Lady  Frederick. 

Do  as  you're  told  and  don't  interfere. 

[The  Footman  enters  to  announce  Mereston. 
The  Maid  goes  out. 

Footman. 
Lord  Mereston. 

Lady  Frederick. 
[As  before.]    Is  that  you,  Charlie?      You're   very 
punctual. 

Mereston. 
I've   been   walking   about    outside    till  the   clock 
struck. 


ii8  LADY  FREDERICK 

Lady  Frederick. 
I'm  not  nearly  dressed,  you  know.     I've  only  just 
had  my  bath. 

Mereston. 

Must  I  go? 

Lady  Frederick. 
No,  of  course  not.     You  can  tall:  to  me  whiie  I'm 
finishing. 

Mereston. 
All  right.     How  are  you  this  morning  ? 

Lady  Frederick. 
I  don't  know.     I  haven't  looked  at  myself  in  the 
glass  yet.     How  are  you  ? 

Mereston, 
A  1,  thanks. 

Lady  Frederick. 
Are  you  looking  nice  ? 

^Iereston. 
[Comg  to  the  rjJass.]     I  hope  so.     By  Jove,  what  a 
etrong   light.       i'ou    must   bo    pretty    sure   of   your 
complexion  to  be  able  to  stand  that. 

Lady  Frederick. 
[Apj)e(n'ln(j.]  I  am. 


LADY  FREDERICK  119 

Mereston. 

[Going  forward  eagerly.']  Ah. 

\She  comes  through  the  curtains.  She  ivears  a 
kimono,  her  hair  is  all  dishevelled,  hanging 
about  her  head  in  a  tangled  mop.  She  is 
not  made  wpand  looks  haggard  and  yellow 
and  lined.  When  I\[eri:ston  sees  her  he 
gives  a  slight  start  of  surprise.  She  plays 
the  scene  throughout  with  her  broadest 
brogue. 

Lady  Frederick. 
Good-morning. 

Mereston. 
\Staring  at  her  in  dismay.']     Good-morning. 

Lady  Frederick. 
Well,  what  have  you  to  say  to  me? 

]\[erestox. 
[Embarrassed.]  I— er— hope  you  slept  all  right 

Lady  Frederick. 
[Laughing^  Did  you  ? 

Mereston. 
I  forget. 

Lady  Frederick. 

I  believe  you  slept  like  a  top,  Charlie.  You  really 
mi<^ht  have  lain  aAvake  and  thought  of  me.  What  is 
the  matter  ?     You  look  as  if  you'd  seen  a  ghost. 


I20  LADY  FREDERICK 

^ItUESTON. 
Oil  no,  not  at  all. 

Lady  Frederick. 
You're  not  disappointed  already? 

Mereston, 
No,  of  course  not.     Only — you  look  so  different 
willi  your  hair  not  done. 

Lady  Frederick. 
[With  a  little  ny.]  Oh,  I'd  forgotten  all  about  it. 
Angelique,  come  and  do  my  hair. 

ISTaid. 

[Apjrcaring.]  Ye?,  mi  lad  i. 

[Lady  Frederick  sils   down  at  the   dressing- 
iahle. 

Lady  Fjiederick. 
Now,  take  pains,  Angcli(HU'.     I  want  to  look  my 
very  best.     Angciique  is  u  jewel  of  incalculable  value. 

Maid. 
Miladi  is  very  kind. 

Lady  Frederick. 
If  I'm  light-hcnrted,  she  does  it  one  way.     If  I'm 
depressed  she  docs  it  another. 


LADY  FREDERICK  121 

Maid. 
Oh,   miladi,   the  perruqiiier  who  taught  me    snid 
always  that  a  good  hairdresser  could  express  every 
mood  and  every  passion  of  the  human  heart. 

Lady  Frederick. 
Good  heavens,  you  don't  mean  to  say  you  can  do 
all  that  ? 

IMaid. 

Miladi,  he  said  I  was  his  best  pupil. 

Lady  Frederick. 
Very  well.     Expre,>s — express  a  great  crisis  in  my 
affairs. 

Maid, 
That  is  the  easiest  thing  in  the  world,  miladi.     I 
bring  the  hair  rather  low  on  the  forehead,  and  that 
expresses  a  crisis  in  her  ladyship's  affi\irs. 

Lady  Frederick. 
But  I  always  wear  my  hair  low  on  the  forehead. 

Maid. 
Then  it  is  plain  her  ladyship's  afii\irs  are  always  in 
a  critical  condition. 

Lady  Frederick. 
So  they  are.     I  never  thought  of  that. 

Merestox. 
You've  got  awfully  stunning  hair,  Lady  Frederick. 


122  LADY  FREDERICK 

Lady  Fuedeiuck. 
D'you  like  it,  really? 

ISTereston. 
The  colour's  perfectly  beautifal. 

Lady  Frederick. 
It  ought  to  be.     It's  frightfully  expensive. 

Mereston, 
You  don't  mean  to  say  it's  dyed  ? 

Lady  Frederick. 

Oh,  no.  Only  touched  up.  That's  quite  a  different 
thin<^^ 

Mereston. 
Is  it? 

Lady  Frederick. 

It's  like  superstition,  you  know,  which  is  what 
other  people  believe.  My  friends  dye  their  hair,  but 
I  only  touch  mine  up.  Unfortunately,  it  costs  just 
as  much. 

Mereston. 

And  you  have  such  a  lot. 

Lady  Frederick, 

Oh,  heaps.  [S/ie  opens  a  draioer  and  takes  out  a  long 
switch.^  (Jive  him  a  bit  to  look  at. 

Maid. 
Yes,  niiladi.  [She  (jives  it  to  him. 


LADY  FREDERICK 


123 


Mereston. 

Er — yes.  [^'^ot  hnoicing  what  on  earth  to  say.']  How 
silky  it  is. 

Lady  Frederick. 
A  poor  thing,  but  mine  own.     At  least,  I  paid  for 
it.     By  the  way,  have  I  paid  for  it  yet,  Ang^lique  ? 

Maid, 
Not  yet,  miladi.     But  the  man  can  wait. 

Lady  Frederick. 

[Talcing  it  from  Mereston.]  A  poor  thing,  then, 
but  my  hairdresser's.     Shall  I  put  it  on  ? 

Mereston. 
I  wouldn't,  if  I  were  you^ 

Maid. 

If  her  ladyship  anticipates  a  tragic  situation,  I 
would  venture  to  recommend  it.  A  really  pathetic 
scene  is  impossible  without  a  quantity  of  hair  worn 
quite  high  on  the  head. 

Lady  Frederick. 

Oh,  I  know.  Whenever  I  want  to  soften  the  hard 
heart  of  a  creditor  I  clap  on  every  bit  I've  got.  But 
I  don't  think  I  will  to-day.  I'll  tell  you  what,  a 
temple  curl  would  just  fit  the  case. 


124  LADY  FREDERICK 

AFaid. 

'J'lien  her  la(ly.-;hip  iDcliiies  to  comei-ly.  Veiy  well, 
X  say  no  moi  c. 

[Lady  Fiiederick  takes  two  iemph-curls  from 
the  draicer. 

Lady  Frederick. 
Aren't  they  dears? 

Mereston. 
Yes. 

Lady  Frederick. 

YouVe  admired  them  very  often,  Charlie,  haven't 
you?  I  suppose  you  never  knew  they  cost  a  guinea 
each? 

Merestox, 

It  never  occurred  to  me  they  were  false. 

Lady  Frederick. 

The  masculine  intelligence  is  so  gross.  Didn't 
your  mother  tell  you  ? 

Merestox. 
My  mother  told  me  a  great  deal. 

Lady  Frederick. 

r  expect  she  overdid  it.  There,  Kuw  that's  done. 
D'you  think  it  looks  nice  ? 


Mereston. 


Charming. 


LADY  FREDERICK  125 

Lady  Fredeuick. 
Angelique,    his   lordship   is   satisfied.      You    may 
disappear. 

Maid. 
Yes,  miladi.  [She  goes. 

Lady  Frederick. 

Now,  tell  me  you  think  I'm  the  most  ravishing 
creature  you  ever  saw  in  your  life. 

Merestox. 
I've  told  you  that  so  often. 

Lady  Frederick. 

[Stretching  out  her  hands.]  You  are  a  nice  boy.  It 
was  charming  of  you  to  say — what  you  did  yesterday. 
I  could  have  hugged  you  there  and  then, 

Merestox. 
Could  you  ? 

Lady  Frederick. 

Ob,  my  dear,  don't  be  so  cold. 

Mereston. 
I'm  very  sorry,  I  didn't  mean  to  be. 

Lady  Frederick. 

Haven't  you  got  anything  nice  to  say  to  me  at  all  ? 

Merestox. 

I  don't  know  what  I  can  say  that  I've  not  said  a 
thousand  times  already. 


126  LADY  FREDERICK 

Lady  Frederick. 
Tell  me  what  you  thought  of  all  night  when  you 
tossed  on  that  sleepless  pillow  of  yours. 

Mereston. 
I  was  awfully  anxious  to  see  you  again. 

Lady  Frederick. 

Didn't  you  have  a  dreadful  fear  that  I  shouldn't 
be  as  nice  as  you  imagined  ?     Now,  come — honestly. 

Mereston. 
Well,  yes,  I  suppose  it  crossed  my  mind. 

Lady  Frederick, 
And  am  I ? 

Mereston. 
Of  course. 

Lady  Frederick. 
You're  sure  you're  not  disappointed  % 

MEliESTON. 

Quite  sure. 

Lady  Frederick. 

What  a  relief !  You  know,  I've  been  tormenting 
myself  dreadfully.  I  said  to  myself:  "  lle'Jl  go  on 
thinking  of  mo  till  he  imagines  I'm  the  most 
beautiful  woman  in  the  world,  and  then,  when  lie 
comes  here  and  sees  the  plain  reality,  it'll  be  an  awful 
blow. 


LADY  FREDERICK  127 

Mereston. 

What  nonsense !     How  could  you  think  anything 
of  the  kind  ? 

Lady  Frederick. 

Are  you  aware  that  you  haven't  shown  the  least 
desire  to  kiss  me  yet  ? 

Mereston. 
I  thought — I  thought  you  might  not  like  it. 

Lady  Frederick. 
It'll  be  too  late  in  a  minute. 

Mereston. 
Why  ? 

Lady  Frederick. 
Because  I'm  just  going  to  make  up,  you  silly  boy. 

Mereston. 
How  ?     I  don't  understand. 

Lady  Frederick, 

You  said  I  must  be  very  sure  of  my  complexion. 
Of  course  I  am.     Here  it  is. 

[She  runs  her  fingers  over  a  roiv  of  little  pots 
and  vases, 

Mereston. 
Oh,  I  see.     I  beg  your  pardon. 


128  LADY  FREDERICK 

Lady  Frederick. 
You  don't  mean  to  say  you  thought  it  natural  ? 

TsEkuestox. 
It  never  occurred  to  me  it  might  be  anything  else. 

Lady  Frederick. 
It's   really  too    disheartening.     I    spend   an    hour 
every  day  of  my  life  making  the  best  complexion  in 
!Monte  Carlo,  and  you  think  it's  natural.     Why,  I 
might  as  well  be  a  dairymaid  of  eighteen. 

MER'iSTOX. 

I'm  very  sorry. 

Lady  Frederick. 

I  forgive  you.  .  .  .  You  may  kiss  my  hand.  [He  does 
8oA  You  dear  boy.  [Loofdjvj  at  herself  in  the  ^/ars.] 
Oh,  Betsy,  you're  not  looking  your  best  to-day. 
[SJialcing  her  finger  at  the  glass.^  This  won't  do,  Betsy, 
my  dear.  You're  very  nearly  looking  your  age. 
[Turning  round  quickly.]     D'you  think  I  look  fort}-  ? 

Meueston. 
I  never  a.'^ked  myself  how  old  you  were. 

Lady  FriEDERicK. 

"Wed),  I'm  not,  you  know.  And  I  shan't  be  as  long 
as  tiiere's  a  pot  of  rouge  and  a  powder  pufl'  in  the 
world.     [She  rubs  grease  j/uint  all  over  her  face. 1 


LADY  FREDERICK  129 

Meueston. 
What  are  you  doing  ? 

Lady  Frederick. 

I  wish  I  were  an  actress.  They  have  such  an 
advantage.  They  only  have  to  make  up  to  look  well 
behind  the  footlights ;  but  1  have  to  expose  myself  to 
that  beastly  sun. 

Mereston. 
[I^ervousli/.]  Yes,  of  course. 

Lady  Frederick. 

Is  your  mother  dreadfully  annoyed  with  you  ?  And 
Paradine  must  be  furious.  I  shall  call  him  Uncle 
Paradine  next  time  I  see  him.  It'll  make  him  feel 
so  middle-aged.  Charlie,  you  don't  know  how  grateful 
I  am  for  what  you  did  yesterday.  You  acted  like  a 
real  brick. 

Mereston. 

It's  awfully  good  of  you  to  say  so. 

Lady  Frederick, 
[Turning.]     Do  I  look  a  fright  ? 

Mereston. 

Oh,  no,  not  at  all. 

Lady  Frederick. 
I  love  this  powder.     It  plays  no  tricks  with   you. 
Once  I  put  on  a  new  powder  that  I  bought  in  Paris,  and 
as  soon  as  I  went  into  artificial  light  it  turned  a  bright 

I 


* 


130  LADY  FREDERICK 

mauve.     I  was  very  much  annoyed.     You  wouldn't 
like  to  go  about  with  a  mauve  face,  would  you  ? 

Mereston. 
No,  not  at  all. 

Lady  Frederick. 

Fortunately  I  had  a  green  frock  on.  And  mauve 
and  green  were  very  fashionable  that  year.  Still  I'd 
sooner  it  hadn't  been  on  my  face.  .  .  .  There.  I  think 
that'll  do  as  a  foundation.  I'm  beginning  to  feel 
younger  already.  Now  for  the  delicate  soft  bloom  of 
youth.  The  great  difficulty,  you  know,  is  to  make 
both  your  cheeks  the  same  colour.  [Turning  to  hijn.] 
Charlie,  you're  not  bored,  are  you  ? 

Meki:stux. 
No,  no. 

Lady  Frederick. 

I  always  think  my  observations  have  a  peculiar 
piquancy  when  I  have  only  one  cheek  rouged.  I 
remember  once  I  went  out  to  dinner,  and  as  soon  as  I 
eat  down  I  grew  conscious  of  the  fact  that  one  of  my 
cheeks  was  much  redder  than  the  other. 

Merestox. 
By  George,  that  was  awkward. 

Lady  Frederick. 

Chai-lie,  you  are  a  good-looking  boy.  I  had  no 
idea  you  were  so  handsume.  And  you  look  so  young 
and  fresh,  it's  quite  a  pleasure  to  look  at  you. 


LADY  FREDERICK  131 

Mekeston. 

[Laughinj  aiokivardli/ .]  D'you  think  so?  Wliat 
did  you  do  when  you  discovered  your  predicament  ? 

Lady  Frederick. 

"Well,  by  a  merciful  interposition  of  Providence,  I 
had  a  foreign  diplomatist  on  my  right  side  which 
bloomed  like  a  rose,  and  a  bishop  on  my  left  which 
was  white  like  the  lily.  The  diplomatist  told 
me  risky  stories  all  through  dinner  so  it  was  quite 
natural  that  this  cheek  should  blush  fiery  red.  And 
as  the  Bishop  whisiDered  in  my  left  ear  harrowing 
details  of  distress  in  the  East  End,  it  was  only  decent 
that  the  other  should  exhibit  a  becoming  pallor. 
[Afeanivhile  she  has  heen  rouging  her  cheeksJ]  Now 
look  carefully,  Charlie,  and  you'll  see  how  I  make  the 
Cupid's  bow  which  is  my  mouth.  I  like  a  nice 
healthy  colour  on  the  lips,  don't  you  ? 

Me  RESIGN. 

Isn't  it  awfully  uncomfortable  to  have  all  that 
stuff  on  ? 

Lady  Frederick. 

Ah,  my  dear  boy,  it's  woman's  lot  to  suffer  in  this 
world.  But  it's  a  great  comfort  to  think  that  one  is 
submitting  to  the  decrees  of  Providence  and  at  the 
same  time  adding  to  one's  personal  attractiveness. 
But  I  confess  I  sometimes  wish  I  needn't  blow  my 
nose  so  carefully.  Smile,  Charlie.  I  don't  think 
you're  a  very  ardent  lover,  you  know. 


132  LADY  FREDERICK 

Merestox. 
I'm  sorry.     What  would  you  like  me  to  do  ? 

Lady  Frederick. 
I  should  like  you  to  make  me  impassioned  speeches. 

Mereston. 
I'm  afraid  they'd  be  so  hackneyed. 

Lady  Frederick. 

Never  mind  that.  I've  long  discovered  that  under 
the  influence  of  profound  emotion  a  man  always 
Expresses  himself  in  the  terms  of  the  Famihj  Herald. 

Mereston. 
You  must  remember  that  I'm  awfully  inexperienced. 

Lady  Frederick. 

Well,  I'll  let  you  oil'  this  time — because  I  like 
your  curly  hair.  [She  sighs  amoi'ously.^  Now  for 
the  delicate  arch  of  my  eyebrows.  I  don't  know  what 
I  should  do  without  this.  I've  got  no  eyebrows  at 
all  really.  .  .  .  Have  you  ever  noticed  that  dark  line 
under  the  eyes  which  gives  such  intensity  to  my  ex- 
pression ? 

]Mi;UESTON. 

Yes,  often. 

Lady  Frederick. 

[Holding  out  the  pencil.]  Well,  hero  it  is.  Ah,  my 
dear  boy,  in  this  pencil  you  have  at  will  roguish ness 
and  languor,  tenderness  and  indillereuce,   sprigiitli- 


LADY  FREDERICK  133 

ness,  passion,  malice,  what  you  will.  Now  be  very 
quiet  for  one  moment.  If  I  overdo  it  my  whole 
day  will  be  spoilt.  You  mustn't  breathe  even. 
Whenever  I  do  this  I  think  how  true  those  lines  are : 

"  The  little  more  and  how  much  it  is. 
The  little  less  and  what  worlds  away." 

There  !  iSTow  just  one  pufF  of  powder,  and  the  whole 
world's  kind.  [Looking  at  herself  in  the  glass  and  sigh- 
ing with  satisfactio7i.]  Ah  !  I  feel  eighteen.  I  think 
it's  a  success,  and  I  shall  have  a  happy  day.  Oh, 
Betsy,  Betsy,  I  think  you'll  do.  You  know,  you're 
not  unattractive,  my  dear.  Not  strictly  beautiful, 
perhaps ;  but  then  I  don't  like  the  chocolate-box  sort 
of  woman.  I'll  just  go  and  take  oft'  this  dressing- 
gown.  [Mereston  gets  up.]  No,  don't  move.  I'll  go 
into  my  bedroom.  I  shall  only  be  one  moment. 
[Lady  Frederick  goes  through  the  curtains.']  Angelique. 

[I'he  Maid  enters. 
Maid. 
Yes,  miladi. 

Lady  Frederick. 
Just  clear  away  those  things  on  the  dressing-table. 

Maid. 
[Doing  so.]  Very  well,  miladi. 

Lady  Frederick. 
You  may  have  a  cigarette,  Charlie. 

Merestox. 
Thanks.     My  nerves  are  a  bit  dicky  this  morning. 


134  L.-lCy  FREDEPdCK 

Lady  Frf.derick. 

Oh,  blow  the  thing !  Angelirjue,  come  and  help 
me. 

Maid. 
Yep,  miladi.  [She  goes  out. 

Lady  Frkdertck. 
At  Inst. 

[Site  comes  in,  having  changed  the  kimono  for 
a  very  beautiful  dressing  govni  of  silk  and 
lace. 

Lady  Frederick. 
Now,  are  you  pleased  ? 

Merestox. 
Of  course  I'm  pleased. 

Lady  Frederick 
Then  you  may  make  love  to  me. 

Merestox, 
You  say  such  disconcerting  things. 

Lady  Frederick. 

[Laughing.']  Well,  Charlie,  you've  found  no  difli- 
culty  in  doing  it  for  the  last  fortnight.  You're  not 
going  to  pretend  that  you're  already  at  a  loss  for 
pretty  speeches  ? 

Me  RESIGN. 

"When  I  came  here,  I  had  a  tliousand  things  to  say 
to  you,  but  you've  driven  them  all  out  of  my  head. 
"Won't  you  give  nio  an  answer  now? 


LADY  FREDERICK  135 

Lady  Fuederick, 
What  to  ? 

Mereston. 
You've  not  forgotten  that  I  asked  you  to  marry 
me? 

Lady  Frederick. 
Ko,  but  you  asked  me  under  very  peculiar  circum- 
stances.    I  wonder  if  you  can  repeat  the  ofier  now  in 
cold  blood  ? 

Mereston. 
Of  course.     What  a  cad  you  m^ust  think  me  ! 

Lady  Frederick, 
Are  you  sure  you  Avant  to  marry  me  still — after 
having  slept  over  it  ? 

Mereston. 
Yes. 

Lady  Frederick. 

You  are  a  good  boy,  and  I'm  a  beast  to  treat  you 
so  abominably.     It's  awfully  nice  of  you. 

Mereston, 
Well,  what  is  the  ansAver  ? 

Lady  Frederick. 
My  dear,  I've  been  giving  it  you  for  the  last  half- 
hour. 

Mereston. 
How? 


136  LADY  FREDERICK 

Lady  Frederick. 

You  don't  for  a  moment  suppose  I  should  have  let 
you  into  those  horrible  mysteries  of  my  toilette  if  I'd 
had  any  intention  of  marrying  you  ?  Give  me  credit 
for  a  certain  amount  of  intelligence  and  good  feeling. 
I  should  have  kept  up  the  illusion,  at  all  events  till 
after  the  honeymoon. 

Mereston. 
Are  you  going  to  refuse  me  ? 

Lady  Frederick, 
Aren't  you  rather  glad  ? 

Mereston. 
No,  no,  no. 

Lady  Frederick. 
\ Putting  her  arm  through  his.]  Now  let  us  talk  it 
over  sensibly.  You're  a  very  nice  boy,  and  I'm 
awfully  fond  of  you.  But  you're  twenty-two,  and 
heaven  only  knows  my  age.  You  see,  the  church  in 
which  I  was  baptized  was  burnt  down  the  year  I  was 
born,  so  I  don't  know  how  old  I  am. 

!Mereston. 
[Smiling.]  Where  was  it  burnt? 

Lady  Frederick. 
In  Ireland. 


Mereston. 


1  thought  so. 


LADY  FREDERICK  137 

Lady  Frederick. 

Just  at  present  I  can  make  a  decent  enough  show- 
by  taking  infinite  pains  ;  and  my  hand  is  not  so  heavy 
that  the  innocent  eyes  of  your  sex  can  discover  how 
much  of  me  is  due  to  art.  But  in  ten  years  you'll 
only  be  thirty-two,  and  then,  if  I  married  you,  my 
whole  life  w^ould  be  a  mortal  struggle  to  preserve 
some  semblance  of  youth.  Haven't  you  seen  those 
old  hags  who've  never  surrendered  to  Anno  Domini, 
with  their  poor,  thin,  wrinkled  cheeks  covered  with 
paint,  and  the  dreadful  wigs  that  hide  a  hairless  pate  ? 
Rather  cock-eyed,  don't  you  know,  and  invariably 
flaxen.  You've  laughed  at  their  ridiculous  graces,  and 
you've  been  disgusted  too.  Oh,  I'm  so  sorry  for  them, 
poor  things.  And  I  should  become  just  like  that, 
for  I  should  never  have  the  courage  to  let  my  hair 
be  white  so  long  as  yours  was  brown.  But  if  I 
don't  marry  you,  I  can  look  forward  to  the  w^hite 
hairs  fairly  happily.  The  first  I  shall  pluck  out,  and 
the  second  I  shall  pluck  out.  But  when  the  third 
comes  I'll  give  in,  and  I'll  throw  my  rouge  and  my 
poiidre  de  riz  and  my  pencils  into  the  fire. 


Mereston. 
But  d'you  think  I  should  ever  change  ? 

Lady  Frederick. 

My  dear  boy,  I'm  sure  of  it.  Can't  you  imagine 
what  it  would  be  to  be  tied  to  a  woman  who  was 
always  bound  to  sit  with  her  back  to  the  light?  And 
sometimes  you  might  want  to  kiss  me. 


138  LADY  FREDERICK 

ISIerkston. 
I  think  it  very  probable. 

Lady  Frederick. 

Well,  you  couldn't — in  ca<^e  you  disarranged  my 
complexion.  []\[ereston  sif^hs  deeplf/.]  Don't  sigh, 
Charlie.  I  daresay  I  was  horrid  to  let  you  fall  in 
love  with  me,  but  I'm  only  human,  and  I  was 
desperately  flattered, 

Merestox. 

Was  that  all? 

Lady  Frederick. 

Ard  rather  touched.  That  is  why  I  want  to  give 
a  cure  with  my  refusal. 

Mereston. 
But  you  break  my  heart. 

Lady  Frederick^ 

My  dear,  men  have  said  that  to  me  ever  since  I  wns 
fifteen,  but  I've  never  noticed  that  in  consequence 
they  ate  their  dinner  less  heartily. 

Mereston. 
I  suppose  you  think  it  was  only  calf-love? 

Lady  Frederick. 

I'm  not  such  a  fool  as  to  imagine  a  boy  can  lovo 
any  less  than  a  man.  If  I'd  thought  your  aftection 
ridiculous  I  shouldn't  hav"  been  so  flattered. 


LADY  FREDERICK  130 

Mert:ston. 
Tt  doesn't  hurt  nny  the  less  because  the  wounds  you 
make  are  clean  cut. 

Lady  Frederick. 
But  they'll  soon  heal.  And  you'll  fall  in  love  with 
a  nice  girl  of  your  own  age,  whose  cheeks  flush  witli 
youth  and  not  with  rouge,  and  whose  eyes  sparkle 
because  they  love  you,  and  not  because  they're 
carefully  made  up. 

M'ereston. 
But  I  wanted  to  help  you.      You're     1  such  an 
awful  scrape,  and  if  you'll  only  many  me  it  can  all 
be  set  right. 

Lady  Frederick. 
Oh,  my  dear,  don't  go  in  for  self-sacrifice.     You 
must  leave  that  to  women.     They're  so  much  more 
used  to  it. 

Mereston. 
Isn't  there  anything  I  can  do  for  you  ? 

Lady  Frederick. 
No,  dear.     I  shall  get  out  of  the  mess  somehow.    I 
always  do.     You  really  need  not  worry  about  me. 

Mereston. 
You  know,  you  are  a  brick. 

Lady  Frederick. 
Then  it's  all  settled,  isn't  it  ?    And  you're  not  going 
to  be  unhappy  ? 


140  LADY  FREDERICK 

Mereston. 
I'll  try  not  to  be. 

Lady  Frederick. 

I'd  like  to  imprint  a  chaste  kiss  on  your  forehead, 
only  I'm  afraid  it  would  leav^e  a  mark. 

[I'he  Footman  comes  in  and  announces  Para- 
dine    FOUI.DES. 

Footman. 
Mr.  Paradine  Fouldes.  [Exit. 

FOULDES. 

Do  I  disturb  ? 

Lady  Frederick. 
Not  at  all.     We've  just  finished  our  conversation. 

Fouldes. 
Well? 

Mereston. 

If  any  one  wants  to  know  who  the  best  woman  in 
the  world  is  send  'em  to  me,  and  I'll  tell  them. 

Lady  Frederick, 
\Taking  his  hand.']  You  dear  !     Good-bye. 

Mereston. 
Good-bye.     And  thanks  for  being  so  kind  to  me. 

[He  (joes  out, 

KOULDKS. 

Do  1  see  in  front  of  me  my  prospective  niece  ? 


LADY  FREDERICK  141 

Lady  Frederick. 
Why  d'you  ask,  Undo  Paradine  ? 

FOULDES. 

Singularly  enough  because  I  want  to  know. 

Lady  Frederick. 

Well,  it  so  happens — you  don't. 

FoULDES. 

You've  refused  him  ? 

Lady  Frederick. 
I  have, 

FoULDES. 

Then  will  you  tell  me  why  you've  been  leading  us 
all  such  a  devil  of  a  dance  ? 

Lady  Frederick. 
Because  you  interfered   with  me,  and   I  allow  no 
one  to  do  that. 

Fouldes. 
Hoity-toity. 

Lady  Frederick. 

You  weren't  really  so  foolish  as  to  imagine  I  should 
marry  a  boy  who  set  me  up  on  a  pedestal  and  vowed 
he  was  unworthy  to  kiss  the  hem  of  my  garment  ? 

Fouldes. 
Why  not  ? 


142  LADY  FREDERICK 

Lady  Frederick. 

My  dear  Paradine,  I  don't  want  to  commit  suicide 
by  sheer  boredom.  There's  only  one  thing  in  the 
world  more  insuflerable  than  being  in  love. 

FOULDES. 

And  what  is  that,  pray  ? 

Lady  Frederick. 
Why,  having  some  one  in  love  with  you. 

FoULDES. 

I've  suQered  from  it  all  my  life. 

Lady  Frederick. 

Think  of  living  up  to  the  ideal  Charlie  has  of  mo. 
My  hair  would  turn  a  hydrogen  yellow  in  a  week. 
And  then  to  be  so  desperately  adored  as  all  that — oh, 
it's  so  dull !  I  should  have  to  wear  a  mask  all  day 
long.  I  could  never  venture  to  be  natural  in  case 
I  shocked  him.  And  notwithstanding  all  my  eflorts 
I  should  see  the  illusions  tumbling  about  his  ears 
one  by  one  till  he  realised  I  was  no  ethereal  goddess, 
but  a  very  ordinary  human  woman  neither  better 
nor  worse  than  anybody  else. 


Fouldes. 

Your  maxim  appears  to  be,  marry  any  one  you  like 
except  the  man  thiit's  in  love  with  you. 


LADY  FREDERICK  143 

Lady  FeedericKb 

Ah,  but  don't  you  think  I  might  find  a  man  who 
loved  me  though  he  knew  me  through  and  through  ? 
I'd  fur  rather  that  he  saw  my  faults  and  forgave 
them  than  that  he  thought  me  perfect. 

FOULDE?, 

But  how  d'you  know  youVa  choked  the  boy  off  for 
good  ? 

Lady  Frederick. 

I  took  good  care.  I  wanted  to  cure  him.  If  it 
had  been  possible  I  would  have  shown  him  my  nake.l 
soul.    But  I  couldn't  do  that,  so  I  let  him  see.  .  ,  , 

Fouldes, 
\^Interrui>tinrj,'\  What ! 

Lady  Frederick, 

[^LaugJdng ^^  No,  not  quite.  I  had  a  dressing-gown 
on  and  other  paraphernalia.  But  I  made  him  come 
here  when  I  wasn't  made  up,  and  he  sat  by  while  I 
rouged  my  cheeks. 

Fouldes. 

And  the  young  fool  thought  there  was  nothing 
more  in  you  than  a  carefully  prepared  complexion  ? 

Lady  Frederick. 

lie  was  very  nice  about  it.  But  I  think  he  was 
rather  relieved  when  I  refused  him. 

r  Tltere  is  a  hiock  at  the  door.'] 


144  LADY  FREDERICK 

Gerald. 
[Outside,]  Mny  we  come  in  ? 

Lady  Frederick. 
Yes  do. 

Enter  Gerald  cmd  Rose  and  the  Admiral. 

Gerald. 

[Exciiedii/.]  I  say,  it's  all  rifrht.  Tlie  Ailmiial's 
come  down  like  a  real  brick.  I've  told  him  every- 
thing. 

Lady  Frederick. 

What  do  you  mean  ?    Good-morning,  dear  Admiral. 


Admiral. 


Good-morning. 


Gerald. 

I've  made  a  clean  breast  of  it.     I   talked  it   over 
with  Rosie. 

Rose. 
And  we  went  to  papa  together, 

Gerald. 
And   told    him    that    I    owed    Montgomerie    nine 
hundred  pounds. 

Rose. 
And  we  thought  papa  would  make  an  awful  scene. 

Gerald. 
Raise  Cain,  don't  you  know. 


LADY  FREDERICK  145 

Rose. 
But  lie  never  said  a  word. 

Gerald. 
He  was  simply  ripping  over  it. 

Lady  Frederick. 

[Putting  her  hands  to  her  eavs^^  Oh,  oh,  oh.     For 
heaven's  sake  be  calm  and  coherent. 

Gerald. 
My  dear,  you  don't  know  what  a  relief  it  is. 

Rose. 

I  saw  Gerald  was  dreadfully  worried,  and  I  wormed 
it  out  of  him. 

Gerald. 
I'm  so  glad  to  be  out  of  the  clutches  of  that  brute. 

Rose. 

Now  we're  going  to  live  happily  ever  afterwards. 
\^All  the  ivJiile  the  Admiral  has  been  trying  to 
get  a  word  In,  hut  each  time  he  is  about  to 
start  one  of  the  others  has  broken  in. 

Admiral. 

Silence.   [lie  puffs  and  bloics.^  I  never  saw  such  a 
pair  in  my  life. 

Lady  Frederick. 
Now  do  explain  it  all.  Admiral.     I  can't  make  head 
or  tail  out  of  these  foolish  creatures. 


146  LADY  FREDERICK 

Admiral. 

Well,  they  came  and  told  me  that  Montgomerie 
had  an  I.O.U.  of  Gerald's  for  nine  hundred  pounds 
and  was  using  it  to  blackmail  you. 

FOULDES. 

Is  that  a  fact  ? 

Lady  Frederick. 
Yes. 

Admiral. 

I  never  liked  the  man's  face.  And  when  they  said 
his  terms  were  that  you  were  to  marry  him  or  Gerald 
would  have  to  send  in  his  papers,  I  said  .  .  , 

FoULDES. 

Damn  his  impudence. 

Admiral. 
How  did  you  know  ? 

FoULDES. 

Because  I'd  have  said  it  myself. 

Ckrald. 

And  the  Admiral  stumped  up  like  a  mui  He 
<:ave  me  a  cheipie  for  the  money,  and  I've  just  this 
moment  sent  it  ou  to  Montgomerie. 


LADY  FREDERICK  i47 

Lady  Frederick. 

[Taking  both  his  hands,]  It's  awfully  good  of  you, 
and  I'm  sure  you'll  never  regret  that  you  gave  Gerald 
a  chance. 

Admiral. 

May  I  have  a  few  words'  private  conversation  with 
you  ? 

Lady  Frederick. 

Of  course.  [To  the  others.]  Make  yourselves  scarce. 

FOULDES. 

We'll  go  on  the  balcony,  shall  we  ? 

Admiral. 

I'm  sorry  to  trouble  you,  but  it'll  only  toke  three 
minutes. 

[Gerald  and  Eose  and  Fouldes  go  on  to  the 
balcony. 

Lady  Frederick. 
[When  they've  gone.]  There. 

Admiral. 

Well,  what  I  wanted  to  say  to  yon  was  this  :  I 
like  Gerald,  but  I  think  he  wants  guiding.  D'you 
follow  me  ? 

Lady  Frederick. 

I'm  sure  he  will  take  your  advice  always. 


148  LADY  FREDERICK 

Admiral. 
It's  a  woman's  hand  that  he  wants.     Now  if  you 
and  I  were  to  join  forces  we  could  keep  liim  out  of 
mischief,  couldn't  we  ? 

Lady  Frederick. 
Oh,  I'll  come  and  stay  with  you  whenever  you  ask 
me.     I  love  giving  good  advice  when  I'm  quite  sure  it 
won't  be  taken. 

Admiral. 

I  was  thinking  of  a  more  permanent  arrangement. 
Look  here,  why  don't  you  marry  me  ? 

Lady  Frederick. 
My  dear  Admiral ! 

Admiral. 
I  don't  think  an  attractive  woman  like  you  ought 
to  live  alone.     She's  bound  to  get  in  a  scrape. 

Lady  Frederick. 
It's  awfully  good  of  you,  but.  .  .  . 

A  dm  I  HAL. 

You  don't  think  I'm  too  old,  do  you? 

Lady  Frederick. 
Of  course  not.     You're  in  the  very  prime  of  lifo 

Admiral. 

There's  life  in  the  old  dog  yet,  I  can  tell  you. 


LADY  FREDERICK  149 

Lady  Frederick. 

I  feel  sure  of  that.  I  never  doubted  it  for  a 
moment. 

Admiral. 

Then  what  have  you  got  against  me? 

Lady  Frederick. 

You  wouldn't  like  to  commit  polygamy,  would 
you? 

Admiral. 
Eh? 

Lady  Frederick. 

You  see,  it's  not  a  question  of  marrying  me  only, 
but  all  my  tradespeople. 

Admiral. 
I  hadn't  thought  of  that. 

Lady  Frederick. 

Besides,  you're  Rose's  father,  and  I'm  Gerald's 
sister.  If  we  married  I  should  be  my  brother's 
mother-in-law,  and  my  step-daughter  would  be  my 
sister.  Your  daughter  would  be  your  sister-in-law, 
and  your  brother  would  just  snap  his  fingers  at  your 
fatherly  advice. 

Admiral. 

[Confused.]     Eh  ? 

Lady  Frederick. 

I  don't  know  if  the  prayer-book  allows  things  like 
that,  but  if  it  does  I  think  it's  hopelessly  immoral. 


150  LADY  FREDERICK 

Admiral. 

AVell,  shall  I  tell  them  I've  changed  my  mind  and 
they  can't  marry  ? 

Lady  Frederick. 

Then  there'd  be  no  reason  for  us  to — commit  the 
crime,  would  there  ? 

Admiral. 
I  hadn't  thought  of  that.     I  suppose  not. 

Lady  Frederick. 

You're  not  cross  with  me,  are  you  ?  I'm  very 
much  flattered,  and  I  thank  you  from  the  bottom  of 
my  heart. 

Admiral. 

Not  at  all,  not  at  all.  I  only  thought  it  might  save 
trouble. 


Lady  Frederick. 

[Calling,]    Gerald.     Come  along.     [J'/tei/  come  in.] 
We've  had  our  little  talk. 


Gerald. 

Everything  {satisfactory  ? 


LADY  FREDERICK  151 

Lady  Frederick. 
[With  a  look  at  the  Admiral.]     Quite. 

Admiral. 
[Gruffli/.]  Quite. 

Lady  Frederick's  Footman  enters. 

Footman. 

Captain  Montgomerie  wishes  to  know  if  he  may  see 
your  ladyship. 

Lady  Frederick. 
I'd  forgotten  all  about  him. 

Gerald. 
Let  me  ^0  to  him,  shall  I  ? 


Lady  Frederick, 

No,  I'm  not  afraid  of  him  any  lonofer.  He  can't  do 
anything  to  you.  And  as  far  as  I'm  concerned  it 
doesn't  matter. 

Gerald. 
Then  I'll  tell  him  to  ^o  to  the  devil. 


Lady  Frederick. 

No,  I'm  going  to  tell  him  that  myself.     [To  the 
Footman.]    Ask  Captain  Montgomerie  to  come  here. 


152  LADY  FREDERICK 

Footman. 
Ye5:,  miladi.  [Exit. 

Lady  Frederick. 

[IVaUciiir/  vp  and  down  furiously.^  I'm  going  to  tell 
him  that  myself. 

FOULDES. 

Now  keep  calm,  Betsy. 

Lady  Frederick. 
[Venj  deliherateli/.]  I  shall  not  keep  calm. 

FoULDES. 

Remember  that  you're  a  perfect  lady. 

Lady  Frederick. 

Don't  interfere  with  me.     I  ate  humble  pie  yester- 
day, and  it  didn't  agree  with  me  at  all. 

[Footman  enters  to  announce  CArTAix  Mont- 
gomerie,  who  folloii's  him,  and  immediate! y 
withdraics. 

Footman, 
Captain  Montgomerie. 

CArTAIN    MONTGOMERIB 

I  Tow  d'you  do. 

[//e  is  obriousb/  siirpi'isrJ  t  >  f^cc  the  others. 


LADY  FREDERICK  153 

Lady  Frederick. 
[Pleasantly.']  Quite  a  part}^,  aren't  we  ? 

Captain  Montgomerie. 
Yes.     [A  pause.]    I  hope  you  don't  mind  my  coming 
so  early  ? 

Lady  Frederick. 
Not  at  all.     You  made  an  appointment  for  half- 
past  ten. 

Captain  Montgomerie. 
I  trust  you  have  good  news  for  me. 


Lady  Frederick. 
Captain  Montgomerie,  every  one  here  knows  the 
circumstances  that  have  brought  you. 


Captain  Montgomerie. 
I  should  have  thought  it  wiser  for  both  our  sakes 
not  to  make  them  too  public. 

Lady  Frederick. 
[Very   amiably.]    I  don't  see  why  you   should  be 
ashamed    because     you     made     mo    a    proposal    of 
marriage  ? 


154  LADY  FREDERICK 

Captain  Montgomerie. 

I'm  sorry  you  should  think  it  a  laughing  matter, 
Lady  Frederick. 

Lady  Frederick. 
I  don't.     I  never  langh  at  an  impertinence. 

Captain  Montgomerie. 
[Talce7i  aback.]  I  beg  your  pardon. 

Lady  Frederick. 

Surely  the  receipt  of  my  brother's  letter  was 
suflicient  answer  for  you.  After  that  you  must  have 
guessed  there  was  no  likelihood  that  I  should  change 
my  mind. 

Captain  Montgomerie. 
What  letter?     I  don't  understand. 

Gerald. 
I  sent  you  a  note  this  morning  enclosing  a  cheque 
for  the  money  I  lost  to  you. 

Captain  Montgomerie. 
I've  not  received  it. 

Gerald. 

It  must  be  waiting  for  you  at  the  hotel. 

[Captain  Montgomerie  pauses  and  lools  inedi- 
tatively  at  the  assembled  coj)ipani/. 


LADY  FREDERICK  155 

Lady  Frederick. 
I   think  there's  nothing  for  which   I  need  detain 
you  longer. 

Captain  Montgomerie. 

[Smiling.']  I  don't  think  I've  quite  finished  yet. 
Has  it  slipped  your  memory  that  the  two  bills  fall  due 
to-day  ?     Allow  me  to  present  them. 

[He  takes  them  out  of  his  pocket-hook. 

Lady  Frederick. 
I'm  very  sorry  I  can't  pay  them — at  present. 

Captain  Montgomerie. 
I  regret  that  I  can't  wait.     You  must  pay  them. 

Lady  Frederick. 
I  tell  you  it's  impossible. 

Captain  Montgomerie. 
Then  I  shall  get  an  order  against  you. 

Lady  Frederick. 
That  you  may  do  to  your  heart's  content. 

Captain  Montgomerie. 

You  realise  tlie  consequences.     It's  not  very  nice 
to  be  an  undischarged  bankrupt. 


156  LADY  FREDERICK 

Lady  Fkedeuick. 
Much  nicer  than  to  marry  a  rascally  money-lender. 

FOULDES. 

May  I  look  at  these  interesting  documents? 

Captain  Moxtgomerie. 

Certainly.  [Blandly.]  I  haven't  the  least  wish  to 
be  offensive. 

FOULDES. 

[Taking  them,']  You  fail  lamentably  in  achieving 
your  wish.  Three  thousand  five  hundred  pounds  in 
all.  It  seems  hardly  worth  while  to  make  a  fuss  about 
so  small  a  sum, 

Captaix  Moxtgomerie. 
I'm  in  urgent  need  of  money. 

FoULDES. 

[IronkaUij.'\  So  rich  a  man  as  you? 

Captain  Moxtgomerie. 
Even  a  rich  man  may  be  temporarily  embarrassed, 

FOI'LDES, 

Then  be  so  good  as  to  wait  for  one  m(  mcnt.  [Ih  sits 
down  at  a  table  and  tcrites  a  cheque.]     No  t^i^ht  is 


LADY  FREDERICK  157 

more  affecting  than  that  of  a  miUionaire  in  financial 
straits. 

Lady  Frederick. 
Paradine ! 

FOULDES. 

[Handing  the  cheque.']  Now,  sir,  I  think  that  settles 
it.     Will  you  exchange  my  cheque  for  those  bills  \ 

Captain  Montgomerie. 
Damn  you,  I  forgot  you, 

FoULDES. 

You  may  not  be  aware  that  it's  unusual  to  swear  in 
the  presence  of  ladies. 


Captain  Montgomerie, 
[Looking  at  the  cheque.]  1  suppose  it's  all  right. 

[Paradine  goes  to  the  door  and  opens  it. 


FoULDES. 

There  is  the  window,  and  here  is  the  door.     Which 
will  you  choose  ? 

[Captain  Montgomerie  looks  at  him  icithout 
answering,  shrugs  his  shoulders  and  goes 
out. 


I5S  LADY  FREDERICK 

Lady  Frederick, 
Oh,  Paradine,  you  are  a  brick. 

Gerald. 
I  say  it's  awfully  good  of  you. 

FOULDES, 

Nonsense.    I've  got  a  strong  sense  of  effect,  and  I 
always  cultivate  the  dramatic  situation. 

Lady  Frederick. 
I  shall  never  be  able  to  pay  you  back,  Paradine. 

FoULDES. 

My  dear,  I'm  not  entirely  devoid  of  intelligence. 

Admiral. 
Well,  well,  I  must  be  off  to  take  my  constitutional. 

Lady  Frederick. 

And  Rose  and  Gerald  must  take  care  of  you.     Wo 
shall  all  meet  at  luncheon. 

Admiral, 

Yes,  yes. 

[77ie  Admiral,  Rose  and  Gerald  go  ovf.  Lady 
Fredhkick  goes  vp  to  Pahadine  and  takes 
his  hands. 


LADY  FREDERICK  159 

Lady  Frederick. 
Thanks  awfully.     You  are  a  good  friend. 

FOULDES. 

By  George,  how  your  eyes  glitter ! 

Lady  Frederick. 
It's  only  belladonna,  you  know. 

FoULDES. 

I'm  not  such  a  fool  as  my  nephew,  my  dear. 

Lady  Frederick. 
Why  did  you  do  it  ? 

FoULDES. 

D'you  know  what  gratitude  is  ? 

Lady  Frederick. 

Thanks  for  past  favours  and  a  lively  sense  of  benefits 
to  come. 

Fouldes. 

Well,  yesterday  you  had  my  sister  in  the  hollow  of 
your  hand.  She  gave  you  great  provocation,  and  you 
burnt  those  confounded  letters. 

Lady  Frederick. 

My  dear  Paradine,  I  can't  get  over  my  own 
magnanimity.     And  what  are  the  benefits  to  come  ? 


iGo  LADY  FREDERICK 

FOULDES. 

Well  it  might  be  five  per  cent,  on  the  capital. 

Lady  Frederick. 

I  don't  know  why  you  should  squeeze  my  hands  all 
the  time. 

FoULDES. 

But  it  isn't.   Look  here,  don't  you  get  awfully  tired 
of  racketting  about  i 


Lady  Frederick. 

Oh,  my  dear  friend,  I'm  sick  to  death  of  it.  I've 
got  half  a  mind  to  retire  from  the  world  and  bury 
myself  in  a  hermitage. 


Fouldes. 

So  have  I,  and  I've  bought  the  lease  of  a  little 
house  in  Norfolk  Street,  Park  Lane. 

Lady  Frederick. 

Just  the  place  for  a  hermitage — f;u>hionable  without 
being  vulgar. 

Fouldes. 

And  I  propose  to  live  there  quite  quietly,  and  I 
shall  just  subsist  on  a  lew  dried  herbs,  don't  you 
know 


LADY  FREDERICK  i6i 

Lady  Frederick. 

But  do  have  theui  cooked  by  a  really  good  French 
chef  ;  it  makes  suoh  a  difl'erence. 

FOULDES. 

And  what  d'you  say  to  joining  me  ? 

Lady  Frederick. 
I? 

Fouldes. 
You. 

Lady  Frederick. 
Oh,  I  am  a  success  to-day.    That's  another  proposal 
of  marriage. 

Fouldes. 
It  sounds  very  much  like  it. 

Lady  Frederick. 
I've  already  had  three  this  morning. 

Fouldes. 

Then  I  should  think  you've  said  "no"  quite  often 
enough. 

Lady  Frederick. 

Come  at  ten  o'clock  to-morrow,  and  you  shall  see  me 
make  up. 

L 


LADY  FREDERICK 


FOULDES. 


D'you  think  that  wouhl  choke  me  oil'?  D'you 
suppose  I  don't  know  that  behind  that  very  artificial 
complexion  there's  a  dear  little  woman  called  Betsy 
who's  irenuine  to  the  bottom  of  her  soul  ? 


Lady  Frederick. 
Oh,  don't  be  so  sentimental  or  I  shall  cry. 

FoULDES. 

Well,  what  is  it  to  be  ? 

Lady  Frederick. 

[Iler  voice  breaking.^  D'you  like  me  still,  Paradine, 
after  all  these  years  ? 


FoULDES. 

Yes.  \^S!he  looJcs  at  him,  her  lips  qiiivering.  lie 
stretches  out  his  a7'77is,  and  she,  breaking  down,  hides 
her  face  on  his  shoidder.]  Now  don't  bo  an  ass, 
]3etsy.  ...  I  know  you'll  say  in  a  minute  I'm  the 
only  man  you  ever  loved. 


Lady   Kkedeiuck. 

[Luoliug  tip  with  a  hmgh.]   Isiian't.  .  ,  .  But  what 
will  your  sister  fcay  i 


LADY  FREDERICK  163 

FOULUES. 

I'll  tell   her  there  was  only  one  way  in  which    I 
could  save  Ciiarlie  from  your  clutches. 

Ladv  Frederick. 
What  ? 

FOULDES. 

By  marrying  you  myself. 

Lady  Frederick. 
[Putting  up  her  face.]  Monster. 

[He  kisses  her  lips.'\ 


the  end. 


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